Tuesday, 10 September 2013


Blaady 'ell, there was a lot to go through this week. My fingers are near as damn it worn down to the bone the amount of typing I've done recently. I noticed that Katy Perry got to number one with 'Hear Me Reference' and that Placebo didn't even make to the top 40. So I think it's fair to say that whatever song I pick as most Bearable of the week is pretty much doomed to failure.
Saying that however, Drake it still in the top 20 least.

Ah well, time is short and my eyes a glazing over so I probably should get on with it. Here are the this weeks new releases. All 11 of the swineherds!

2 Chainz ft Pharrell - Feds Watching

What are you doing in this Pharrell? Did you write this? You're singing contribution is so stilted that it wouldn't make the slightest difference if you were left out completely. I know you can do better than this. The background music reminds me somewhat randomly, of Vince DiCola's score in Rocky IV and the lyrics all seem to be about prositutes and the FBI being voyeurs, who knew? I'll grudgingly admit though my head does bop slightly when listening to this, but that may because it's late and I should realistically have been asleep 2 hours ago.

Biffy Clyro - Victory Over The Sun

Very eclectic song that has a very awkward flow. It sounds all over the place. The intro is mellow and withdrawn but then it just turns into a chaotic jumble of anthem rock and alternative pretension . There's a constantly piercing guitar riff that actually seems out of time with the rest of music, enough for me to find it jarring at least. Thankfully no sooner has the song finished that I've forgotten how it goes.

Also, why does the lead singer sound like he's using a Robocop voice modifier?

Birdy - Wings

Who? Oh ok, a girl. A girl with a piano. A girl with a squeaky voice. A girl with a squeaky voice a piano and a guy on drums, shocker.

This type of song became generic 2 years ago and now it's just plain boring. There's no hook here, nothing memorable about this at all. Apart from the name, Birdy.

Good name, memorable. Shame about the song

Black Sabbath - Age of Reason

Is this a joke? Black Sabbath have a new single release from a new album? Really?
Ok, fair enough. Lets have a listen. Ozzy still has the same haunted, ghoul like wail that we all know and love but this song is dull... very dull.

I honestly don't think they knew what to do with it around the 2 minute mark. They have no real chorus and just try to seem to wing it with a few descending/ascending scales. Even the guitar solo is lacklustre. God I'm falling asleep... this song is over 7 minutes long as well. Queen could get away with it in 1975 but I think Sabbath are pushing their luck by today's standard for Bohemian Rhapsody this is most certainly not. Hell most mainstream singles barely make the 3 min mark and even then it sounds too long sometimes.

Coldplay - Atlas

Insomniacs of the world unite! This is the one true cure.

It's been a long time since I've heard Chris Martin sing as unenthusiastic as this (and this is Chris Martin I'm talking about, a man who has a voice that's about as enthusiastic as a dead horse flagellating itself) There's no hook, no real chorus, the entire song seems to be made up of nothing more than ambient sounds with Martin moaning unintelligibly in the background. I can't say it's bad but I certainly can't say it's good either. Let's just say it's peaceful

Eminem - Berzerk

Dear god what fresh hell is this? Sounds like Eminem has remixed an old Beastie Boys song. Sounds dated and not in a good way. You know what this reminds me off? It reminds of the first time I heard Robbie Williams Rudebox: In other words I've got my head in my hand and I'm thinking 'what the hell is he doing?..'
I can appreciate him trying to mix rock and rap together again but he's done it much better than this in the past. Maybe he just doesn't give a crap anymore. I thought his contribution to Love The Way You Lie was great; it was fiery, passionate and it sounded like the ol' Shady full to the brim of acidic verses that cut to the bone. Here he just sounds out of ideas and all out of emotion.

Flo Rida ft Pitbull - Can't Believe It

Video begins with a message delightfully exclaiming that 'this video may be innapropriate for some viewers' Off to to good start then. How long before the the term bitch, ho, nigga or ass is brought up I wonder? With a heavy heart I click on 'I understand and wish to proceed' button (those were words will be etched onto my grave stone, I swear to god)

All of 3 seconds it takes before Ass makes it's appearance and then promptly stays there for the entire song, for that's what it is all about, just that, ass.

This is a shameless rip off of a pretty stupid song from the 80's named Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot but without any of the charm, self parody and self awareness. Flo Rida plays it too straight and too much like a sex pest for it to be anything but creepy.

30 Second to Mars - Do Or Die

From the band that brought you The Kill, arguably one of the most torturous sounding songs about loss and inner torment in the last decade, we have Do or Die!

Oh wait, sorry this is the wrong track, I seem to have inexplicably clicked a The Wanted song on my playlist, how silly of me.

Nope, it's saying 30 Seconds To Mars... and Do Or Die... this must be a mistake, surely? Hold on though, upon further listening that does actually sound reminiscent of a watered down, emotionless Jared Leto at the mic. Oh Jeysus H Christopher Biggins, it really is the right song!

I would normally dismiss this is in a heartbeat but the fact it's 30 seconds to Mars really angers me. I'm not a huge fan of the band but even I can admit a genuine degree of respect for them not holding back and going balls out extreme with a lot of their other work. Balls made of cast iron I might add, despite knowing their targeted demographic and them taking this risk actually working out for them. The band I'm listing to now sound so wet they could be castrated with a butter knife, and probably have.

And the 2BAD songs of the week are...

Little Nikki - Little Nikki Says

Nope, that's not a typo, it's the actual the name of the song. This is an imaginatively titled little ditty from some desperate Rihanna wannabe who raided the wardrobe of Rita Ora and picked up Justin Beibers smugness just for good measure, and calls herself Little Nikki, a lot.

The same girl that brought us the catchily named 'Intro Intro' in which although the intro is apparently so good they named it twice it's just a shame about the rest of the song. Nikki wants to play a game and as you may have already deduced it's not going to be Charades or Pop Up Pirate, much to my dismay. This is of course a take on the old Simon Says game, which Nikki is quick to remind you of at every single turn.beat.note.stanza basically throughout the whole freaking song. There is nothing else. Nothing nada. The part I find the funniest is that this is obviously a dancefloor song and she actively encourages you to take part in the game, a game which her own band/backing music are failing at. When she says 'Stop' and the whole song slams headlong into a wall of silence, only for her to add cheekily that she 'Nikki didn't say' the people who trying to get into this probably won't know what the heck to do other than start a riot. It's not like it's that good to dance to anyway even without the sporadic halts. Also if we're going by the name of the game being the song's title then that part doesn't count because she only says 'Nikki says' and not 'Little Nikki Says'. False call!

Oh and congratulations on the worst lyric of the week!

'You are invited to join me at awesome'

I hope Nikki you are referring to a very corny sounding club, that you would probably be only old enough to enter if you were collecting empty glasses. Otherwise you are inviting us all to join you in an adjective.
English is a lovely language. Try not to piss all over it

 Example - All The Wrong Places 

I like the title, I find it very apt, for this song is indeed in all the wrong places. Namely on my laptop, on Youtube, on release, on Amazon and soon to be on Magpie.co.uk. This song is not a grower, nor will it ever be, it's just a load of bad noise with a bad singer singing badly. I'm sorry but I just don't get it. If I want to listen to dance music there many other examples much better than this. Rhythm Is A Dancer or Time To Burn to name but two.

Grab your eardrums and pound out the sweet sound of fair to middling bliss for here are my 2BEARABLE of the week! 

Armin Van Burren ft. Cindy Alma - Beautiful Life

Singer sounds like hybrid of Katy Perry and Amy Lee from Evanescence so I can't decide whether to be enticed or enraged by her voice. Most confusing.

I like the heavy drums but the hook in the chorus is a bit predictable. Definite New Order vibe going on at times too which is as good a sound as any to garner inspiration. The singer's diction is shocking during the verses but with this kind of music I'm probably the only one who gives a damn. I just can't get into a climax that builds itself to a dance chorus which sounds like any other dance chorus. As a whole package though it's not a bad song if I'm honest, I like the almost oriental influence and the beat is punchily persistent with the purpose of getting you dancing and after much deliberation it turns out I do like the singer... at times.

Newton Faulkner - Losing Ground

So apparently this is from his new album Studio Zoo which was released late August. Is this only the second album that Newton Faulkner has released? Nope, turns out this is his 4th. I'm really crap at this. Anyway I love this man's voice. One of my top 10 21st centuary vocalists easy. It sounds so effortless and his songs are some of the trickiest pop/rock songs to sing. I've seen him live and he's just as damn good too. I wasn't too impressed with the intro to this for some reason, the pacing just seemed a bit off but when the percussion comes in we have a very bouncy and catchy track indeed.

Most Bearable of the week to be sure

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