Tuesday, 1 October 2013


I've started using Official Charts UK as my source for what are new releases because they're you know, official. This is the list it gives me:

Austin Mahone - What About Love
Azealia Banks - ATM Jam FT Pharrell Williams
Basement Jaxx - What A Difference Your Love Makes
Brian McFadden - Time To Save Our Love (pictured)
Chase & Status - Count On Me FT Moko
Crystal Fighters - LA Calling
Daley - Broken
DeeDee Loves Me - Everybody's Out To Get Me
Demi Lovato - Made In The USA
Dizzee Rascal - Something Really Bad FT Will.I.Am
Ebony Day - The Beginning
Fuse ODG - Azonto
Johnny Borrell - Each And Every Road
Lucy Spraggan - Last Night (Beer Fear)
Maxsta - Wanna Go FT Little Nikki
Michael Buble - After All FT Bryan Adams
Nelly - Get Like Me FT Nicki Minaj and Pharrell Williams
Pitbull - Outta Nowhere FT Danny Mercer
Swim Deep - Honey
The Other Tribe - My Girl
The Vamps - Can We Dance
The Wombats - Your Body Is A Weapon
Two Door Cinema Club - Changing Of The Seasons

That's a big list, it's a 23 strong list of music that could potentially end my very soul. There just isn't enough time in the day to go through all of these songs and give an honest opinion. Not when I've got other stuff I should be doing. Important stuff like buying butter and cleaning the loo. I'm living in disarray because I'm trying to keep you informed. I hope you're happy because my dry toast and toilet bowl sure as hell aren't.

Not only that, some of them are not even released this week. Even officialcharts.com is getting it wrong. How the hell can I keep up to date with uk music when when the authority on uk music doesn't know what day of the week it is? Hell, one of them on the list is Dizzee Rascal and he reviewed himself last week. I suppose my gaffe counter acts officalcharts.com saying that Keane's song came out last week when instead it's not till bloody November. At least I was off by just a paltry seven days. Ha ha

I may have to change the format of these posts if the volume of material is this extensive and the information is this unreliable but for now lets forget about my little tantrum, let me take my meds, let me make my selections and lets hear some fecking tunes!

Hit me!


Austin Mahone - What About Love

Beginning with a delightful overture of several car alarms and a dentist's drill, in pops a pre pubescent Bieber clone who seems to be trying to sound like every N'sync member, simultaneously. That's quite an impressive feat granted. Shame it works as well as anyone with even slightest hint of common sense would expect.

What we are left with is 'Nsync Lite', being as there's only one of them for a kick off. I'll admit the song has a catchiness to it but it's too drenched in a very high opinion of oneself for me to be even the slightest bit interested. That and this kind of song having a targeted demographic, which I am not a part of due to me being in my thirties and am able to decide what music I like without consulting my vagina. 

Bryan McFadden -Time To Save Our Love

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... I'm sorry but this is so generic.
The vocal is ok, the tune is ok but it's not memorable at all. It's kind of nice that McFadden knows how boring it sounds when he sings it, trying in vain to wake himself up and anyone listening with a bafflingly placed 'woop!'. The music in the bridge sounds more interesting than the rest of the song and at times feels like it's desperately trying to escape like Steve McQueen on a Motorcycle. This is not the way to start a new solo career Brian. A better song is required. This actually sounds like an album filler. God knows how coma inducing the rest of his album must be.

Daley - Broken

Holy hell this reminded back when I first heard Mmm Bop by Hanson. I listened to it without seeing the video and thought and 'blimey these girls sound well fit!' Until I finally see the video and then try to ram myself back in the closet by doing some push ups and watching different kinds of videos.

My confused auditory sexuality aside, this song isn't bad. Not sure I like the oh oh ohhhs during the chorus though. I don't think it fits with such an emotionally revealing song and comes across as both out of place and a cheap gimmick. Oh and a very good vocal too (for a woman)

DeeDee Loves Me - Everybody's Out To Get Me
My apologies for the link, this is on youtube but is not recognised by blogger

Woo Woo 80's throw back in the houuuuusssseeeee!
My initial excitement aside though this feels old, too old really for the mainstream charts. I like it because it sounds retro but the danger DeeDee has is that there's nothing that stands out to make people stop and take notice. Other than those like me who like retro sounding music. Both Get Lucky and Blurred Lines had a very 70's feel what with the funky bass and disco pop feel to the music, but whether you like it or not, lyrically especially it was targeted for mainstream success. They both have a hook that's really catchy that gets everyone to sing along to thanks to masterful production. This song doesn't have that, it's not a 'floor filler'.
I don't even like Blurred Lines that much but my god it gets people (including me) dancing like it's 1999.

Basement Jaxx - What A Difference Your Love Makes

The Look of Love by ABC has been sampled on this track so much that Basement Jaxx may as well don the sparkly suit jackets and break out the side-sweeping hair gel. It all seems a bit of a mess to be honest. There's a nice part around the 2 mins mark which actually sounds pleasant to listen to. The problem I have is when the song samples so much from another I can't help but want to hear the song it's sampling from. instead of the new track. If it was a bit more subtle and tried not to do so many things at once with as much care as an elephant making an omelette, I honestly think this could have been ok.

The Vamps- Can We Dance
I still can't get over the name of this band. Seriously what were they thinking? It's like Take That naming themselves The Nymphs or Metallica naming themselves The Corsets. For a teen band full of boys singing songs about girls, partying and getting their legs over, this name is just wrong.

I know there are some other meanings of the word like...'The upper part of a shoe' *hmmm*  'Something patched up, refurbished' *chuckle* 'Something rehashed, as a book based on old material' *heh heh*  or my favourite 'To put together, fabricate, improvise'  So basically they admitting that they are manufactured, have no idea where they are going and are just winging it to see what happens'    Excuse me... *BHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!*
Which ever definition they choose they suffer for it. They are presenting themselves as morons before they even start singing. I could go on but I really need to talk about the song, which as you would imagine is...

My 1st most Bearable of the week

Didn't expect that? Big surprise to me that's for damn sure. These guys are pretty good though. The singer initially didn't impress me but after a few listens he's definitely got charisma that the likes of Bieber and One D would give their left nut for. The band are tight too with some nice guitar work and good production with a nice addition of brass during the chorus and the hook is very catchy. Plus the lyrics feel VERY honest and most importantly it sounds genuine. I can believe these guys wrote this song and that the frontman means every word he sings. 
Stupid name aside, I have to admit, I like this song. And this band are now on my ever increasing radar.

Jesus, maybe I am listening to my vagina after all.

And my second most Bearable song of the week is...

Crystal Fighters - LA Calling

There's a certain urgency to this song, almost like the band in question are trying to finish it as quickly as possible. Seriously, up until the 2:20 mark this song doesn't pause for breath, there's always something going on. It's like an excitable dog who doesn't know whether to run for the ball or chase it's tail in ever decreasing circles. Even when the bridge kicks in it's such a contrast to the rest of the song it almost feels it was performed by a different band, one who had taken a valium.

I do kind of like it though, the guitar work is great and they do sound like they're enjoying themselves at least. Because of rapid delivery though I find it a tad overwhelming and can't enjoy it as much as I would want to, which is a shame.
Not sure how well it will do but I'll bet one of my cats that it will be used at some point to sell a car  

Which two songs do I think are just plain Bad? Here we go...

Azealia Banks - ATM Jam FT Pharrell Williams

*rap along with me*

I got racks racks racks till the atm jam, tell me what you wanna do
Got not idea what to think of this Pharell,  what da fuq is wrong with you?!!

I don't get it, there's no melody, no feeling, no sense, not even any flaming music. Just percussion, electronic sounds and gunfire.

This is not good music, it's not even good rapping. You can't even do the Bloodhound Gang dance to this it and that is universally adaptable to every song known to man!

I've got nothing else to say about it really

And finally...

Lucy Spraggan - Beer Fear

Another X - Factor loser returns. Nope, not being harsh, she lost, simple as that, just like those other losers Olly Murs, Cher Llyod, JLS and One Direction. All losers. Not winners like Steve Brockstein, Joe Mceldry and Little Mix. Yeah...

So anyway she's back once again (after far too long for anyone to actually really remember her, other than coming out as a lesbian, bisexual, whatever) She's taken a very long time to make her come back, no doubt writing some of the best music of her life given what's at stake. What has she come out with?... Why it's her first ever audition song that lasts less than 3 mins and has not changed at all.

All they've done is added some percussion and some very faint background vocals. It's still the same song. It's still the same audition song. It still sounds like an audition song to serve no point but to get noticed for being artificially quirky. She for all intents and purposes must be having a giraffe.

She can't expect people to take this seriously can she? My thoughts on this 'song' is the same as it was when I first heard it: It sounds like something Victoria Wood would come out with between stand up routines, just not as intelligently written. This being released as an actual single astounds me.

You never saw Wood trying to hammer her way through the charts with the likes of 'Real Life' or 'Political Correctness Gone Mad', do you know why? Because she knows the right place for her musical material. And these were good songs too; they were sharp and witty and they weren't just based around finding pretty bad rhymes to random alcoholic beverages. Beer Fear should stay where it belongs; in a pub, singing to drunks who will laugh at tequila references. Oh one other thing, just a minor one; Victoria Woods can actually sing. Not just talk in some mish-mashed rhythm that tries in vain to be a melody as much as someone who wears those joke disguise glasses and moustache combo are trying to be Groucho Marx. 

Rant over, fork in me, done.

Until the next time.

Faredy well all



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