Tuesday, 15 October 2013



I'm in a good mood because I rightly predicted that Miley Cyrus would get to number one. Go me. Crap song but go me anyway.

So while the pigs are donning their wings, firing up their scooters and preparing to be loaded into my arse, here's some more new releases for you to enjoy or endure, including my choice for 2 BAD & 2 BEARABLE.

Alex Hepburn - Under

This girls has one of those voices that certain people gush over and say what a great range emotional range she has with a song that speaks to people about depression and being hard done by family, friends and the evil but irresistible significant (most likely ex) other alike. Probably the same people that will in general say that Jessie J is a fantastic singer.

Me? I just want to give this girl a lozenge because she'll damn well need it after a bout of singing that's gravely enough to lay my drive way with.

If you were to take Amy Lee from Evanescence but remove the vocal control and mix her with Pink but remove any sense of independence and smart-ass writing, you get a nut shell shaped Alex Hepburn.

The song itself is more impressive than the vocal and the lyrics are a bit too needy even for the subject matter. There's no arc in the song, it's just one big pleading whine that is crying out for a different bridge made from pure catharsis. The music is good though; the piano and percussion compliment each other without one being upstaged by the other and I have to congratulate a 'girl with piano and drum-kit' song that doesn't sound like bloody Adele. I knew it could be done, eventually

Cher - Woman's World

'I'm dancing solo, in the dark of the club floor'

And the reason for this is because you've emptied the dance floor with over use of your tiresome, gyrating-Grannie manoeuvre.

You're 67 Cher, for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on, I simply do not believe anything you say in this song.

Forgetting the fact that Cher is bellowing out the words and at times during the chorus sounds strangely reminiscent of Metallica's James Hetfield, what of the song itself? Well, it's a dance song, it's club song, it's a song about stepping away from anything male orientated that is bringing the sisterhood down and rejoicing in the fact that this is indeed a 'Woman's World'. So 'TELL THE TRUTH' and admit it, damn it! Err... ok, James Brown would disagree, but he's dead, and besides he said it didn't mean nothing without a woman or a girl. Where's your middle ground Cher? Hmm?

This repetitive deep grunting of 'tell the truth' really ruin what is already a pretty mediocre song. It also sounds really accusing when sings it, who's it sang to? The entire male population of the globe?
I'm sorry for our existence Cher love, but there it would be a considerably less populous Women's World if the men had all gone the way of the dodo.

Eliza Doolittle - Let It Rain

Eliza Doolittle is fit

Ok, I've been nice. Now someone please tell me what the hell I've just listened to?

This song is a convoluted mess that mixes Nelly Furtado with Bette Midler

The styles are so eclectic and mix as well as pink doily's on a black glass IKEA coffee table. I can listen to it but I can't help laugh during the transitions.

Starting off with an overture that sounds like something from Sunset Boulevard this song is as at home in the pop charts as a bull in a china tea pot.
The chorus absolutely screams west end musical to me, save for the very disjointed let it rain part at the end. I can vividly imagine Elaine Paige singing this song wearing, a fur coat and a visage of over acted euphoria. Well, the chorus at least.

I just don't get what she was trying to do with this song. Was she trying to appeal to her older audience? The older audience that will enjoy watching her float around in revealing dresses and boob tubes whilst walking towards a mushroom cloud that looks like the oncoming apocalypse?

Nope, I don't get it. Next

Charlie Brown - Bones

'Don't you wanna come with me? Don't you wanna see my bones, on your bones? It's only naturaaal'

Agh damn it, wrong song again. So what's Peanuts boy got say about these rigid connective organs then?

Well he's saying that he's been downtrodden in the past, he's found someone he likes and he can finally let his defences down and love again. He is scarred, but can be healed thanks to this one special person. He even rhymes 'sticks and stones' with 'broken bones.'

Good grief

Appropriately enough, Brown's voice is would be much better at that kind of singing: Woe filled turmoil; perhaps how he got to be broken in the first place?

I'm not saying that this song is bad, other wise it would be in my BAD category, the lyrics are thoughtful, the singing is decent and the overall song is at least fairly pleasant to listen to (if a little mawkish) despite the stupidly random dance-like section that barges in from no where, barging in, making everyone drop their crap, trampling over the freshly given roses and roaring 'LETS GET READY TO RUUMMBBBLLLEEEEE!!!!'

What a dick

Goo Goo Dolls - Come To Me

At the moment the The Goo Goo Dolls are having a slow year. Their new album failed to get into the top 40 and the first single didn't even chart. They did however get a song back in the official uk Rock/Metal charts around 6 years ago and after some variable position movements, it's languishing now around the number 1 spot.

To be fair, it's a nice to hear a song from them that's not Iris. I'll also be honest that it's the only song of theirs I know, or even dare I say it, heard. So I have no basis for a sound comparison because right from the off this song is doing everything it can to not be Iris. I wouldn't even recognise it was the same band if I happen to hear it on the radio. It sounds more like Mumford & Sons or Noah And The Whale. I don't even know what Mumford & Sons sound like, but going on their name alone it would imagine they sound like this. I could be completely wrong, they may sound like Run DMC.

This isn't a bad song but it's a bit too laid back, bit too cheerful and lacking in drive, it's a Fiat rather than a Renault; it's has no va va voom. Then it could be, in about 10 years time when someone decides to cover it on the 25th season of X-Factor.

Justin Bieber - All That Matters

Bieber wants to be a hip-hop/RnB star. Well he's not strapped for cash nor is he lacking the over inflated ego required for the gold chainz to fit. Just a shame he's got the voice with all the charisma of a fart in a tracksuit.

All That Matters to me is to not hear this again and for Bieber to disappear, quietly. I don't wish him ill, that would be mean. I just want him to stop. For the sake of his own damn sanity.

Lissie - Sleepwalking

Well my head is bopping up and down like a Churchhill Dog on the parcel shelf of a hatchback, so that's good sign. I really like the beat of this tune. The voice is pretty decent too if a little underwhelming. It gets a little repetitive though and call me crazy but it doesn't seem to have a chorus. Actually it does have one but it's so interchangeable with the verse it's easy to get confused, bit like all the members of Il Divo wearing the same colour hat.

Big Sean - Fire

I make it a rule that I listen to the songs I write about three times in a row, the third normally whilst watching the video. The only time I do so. My head hurts after just the first listen. I'm not putting it as my BAD pick though because I can't justify even calling this a song.

This is the sound of 3 completely contrasting songs fighting each other, gladiator style, to the death. (probably presided over by a laurel wreath wearing Kanye West)

Not one of them survived

This is not smart, it's not clever, it's not nice to listen to (any of the 3 songs that died whilst making this) and to top it off, Miley Cyrus is in the video. Not doing much. In various small outfits

I'll give it a C for originality in the fact she's wearing clothes.

Time to separate the wheat from the chaff. It's not a witch hunt just a big dose of unabashed, uncompromising honesty. From me

My picks for BAD songs are:

Iggy Azalea - Change Your Life

Lies, all of it.

Unless in the chorus she's recounting the words of a fat cat record producer who she's busy helping tie his shoe laces (what do you mean they were loafers? Why else would she be... oh) Then she is certainly not going to change your life.

She's talking about her own life that is going to get changed, not yours. It just sounds better to the mass of sheep who buy this shit and don't pay attention to what is being sung when it's right there, being spit balled into your face with some chewed slivers of various pound notes.

To top it off she has the most bizarre pseudo-Americano rapping voice I've ever heard too and she's a flaming Aussie!


Angel Haze - Echelon

When did hip-hop become such a joke? That god for Macklemore for actually bringing some charm and intelligent observation into the mix. Angel Haze is just another example of me wondering if any aspiring, rapper-wannabe has enough self awareness to realise what jumped little shits they sound like when they release putrid, egotistical creeds about how much better they are than anyone else, how original they are and how much they don't give a damn what the 'haters' think.

To be honest if you're getting enough haters telling you you're a bit crap that you decide to write entire lyrical 'burns' (or laughably attempt) to put them in their place; by law of averages alone, chances are they may have a point.

Maybe instead of telling us how 'fantastic' it is to be you, how about coming up with better musical hooks that make people want to dance, deeper meaning to your songs than the equivalent of Harry Enfield screaming 'Loads a' monneyyyy! in your face and trying to find better, more appropriate rhymes to 'alone' than 'echelon'

P.S This song blows


Lawson - Juliet

There's a strange mix of The Police's Roxanne with Ricky Martin's She Bangs. And with a Mariachi guitar intro for good measure.

Nope actually the intro is as ripped off from Andy Summers guitar riff as One Direction's subtle nod to Summer Loving (I swear down if their new single has the opening to Sweet Child O'Mine I'm going to head butt the milkman, and I don't even get milk delivered)

That's not the only reason for me to get annoyed with this song though. These guys are British, I checked, so explain this to me:

People stop to turn and stare
Everywhere she goes
Dollar signs and crimson hair
She will steal your soul

I'm guessing this Juliet must be American, seeing as it wouldn't make sense otherwise and would mean you used a currency that is not your own in a classic example of lazy song writing. But you wouldn't do that would you? So logically she must be American; Juliett... Lewis mayhaps?

This stanza also contains a rhyme chryme and a half; 'goes' rhymed with 'soul'? That is shocking.

Every time I hear this line I keep imagining, begging him to saying 'clothes' instead. I would gladly attempt to re-write the entire verse to make that rhyme fit.

Nit picking aside I have to admit that this song is pretty catchy despite the verse and chorus not blending well and as the overall effect is very style over substance. It has a lot of good ideas that separately have been used to create great songs. But they are put together in a way that tries too hard to be smarter than it is. 

Miles Kane - Better Than That

Some would call this indie rock, pop rock or indie pop. Personally I would call it pop n' roll.

I'm not comparing him to The Beatles but it didn't surprise me in the least that this guy is from Merseyside

This kind of music gets me quite excited about the direction that the new generation of singer-songwriters and Youtube promoted bands are going. A nod to the old days of rock n' roll but with a crisper sound and more emphasis on bouncing around and nutting people (in the politest possible way) This is song isn't brilliant by any stretch; it's a good little song but it doesn't grab you in anyway and the hook is no where near memorable enough for this style of song but it's one of my BEARABLE due to what it represents. Hope. For me at least. A bit of fine tuning with this sort of talent, production and sound and we could have a great track in the making. 

Thanks for reading all

And remember:

'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'

Apart from a Tiger, that will just kill you and probably eat you as well

Best keep away from them

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