Tuesday, 29 October 2013


Can you believe it!

The two songs I really liked last week are now number 1 and 2 in the charts!
Maybe it's a sign.
Maybe pop/mainstream music is heading for a change. Maybe the influx of new artists who dare to go against convention will slowly overtake the mindless auto-tuned drones of record labels everywhere.

Maybe I am now the all seeing, all knowing pop oracle of the ages?

Maybe you can call me Al?

I'm so pumped right now! Ok bring it on. What's in store for me this week hmm?

Ah feck

Avril Lavigne - Rock N Roll

Oh Avril...

I remember back in the early 2000's when your punky rock style and cutting teen angst lyrics actually sounded fresh and exciting. Didn't last very long though did it?

Seriously ever since she released that goddawful song Boyfriend I've just had no time for Miss Lavigne nee Mrs Kroger anymore. Kind of makes sense that they would get together; Two of the most un-rock yet trying so hard to be rock musicians were destined to marry and produce a lot of plastic pop/limp cock rock kids. The world truly rejoices with this news, so long as they never get within vomit distance of a record contract, or me for that matter.

This song comes across as desperate as another song that's on my list this week (more on that later)And the fact it uses the riff from I love Rock N Roll by Joan Jett only adds to the problem. I don't know who she;s trying harder to convince that this is a rock song, us or herself, the vocal is too pop punk for it work with that riff and as such it sounds very out of place. Almost insultingly so if like me you have an appreciation for the Joan Jett classic.

April dearest; you are not rock and roll and I hate to be the one to tell you this but you haven't been for a very long time. In fact it is debatable whether you were at all. You're punk at a push and pop rock at one so forceful and energetic it would spew forth a 'hadoken'.

Can I please ask you to at least believe in what you are singing about too? Is it really that hard? You say you don't care about your make up in the first line, yet you always have very stylised 'smoky' eyes with the aid of make up rather than the rock way of drug use and alcoholism, in almost every.single.picture.I've.seen.of.you. The ones you don't have any on only make you look eerily like Sarah Michelle Gellar. Seriously, they should have cast her in Ringer and saved Gellar the stress of trying to be convincing when talking to herself.

Oh and the video is not funny. Not in the slightest.
You're not funny Lavigne so stop trying. Thought you'd ought to know .

Chris Maloney - My Heart Belongs To You

What is this? X Factor reunion month? Maloney wasn't even that popular to begin with, in fact a lot of people really couldn't stand him. I'm not sure it was on the level of Wagner death threats but there was a lot of passionate disapproval of him being there. I have to admit though I did think he had a pretty good voice but for gods sake not enough to warrant a record deal! On stage perhaps in a musical, possibly The Birdcage or Pricilla Queen of the Desert, a cruise ship, Haven. Anywhere as long it's far from a recording studio and far from the possibility of a CD titled 'Songs For Me Nan' including such inspired hits as 'The Wind Beneath My Wings and 'Every Loser Wins'.

He won't make it. It's kind of embarrassing too. Not that he can't sing or doesn't have talent, he's just out of his depth and ill-suited to the task. It's like James Corden being chosen to be the star in a revamp of 'Best of The Best'. Without it being a parody.

There's nothing wrong with the song but there's also unsurprisingly nothing right with it. The piano work is nice, his vice is fine but nothing that stands out, in fact he kind of sounds like Gary Barlow at times. If this was going to work in anyway he had to take a risk and he didn't. He was known for doing nothing but oversentimental, fake as hell cheesy ballads during the show and his first single happens to be another overly sentimental, fake as hell cheesy ballad. It sounds like a song rejected by Westlife for being too pedestrian.

And the video... oh dear god the video... I want to believe that is work of genius director of satire and Maloney is in full understanding of the concept... but I don't think it is. Which makes it so cringy and laugh my balls off hilarious.

His like/dislikes on Youtube have been disabled too. Which I'm sorry, not only comes across as being in a certain Egyptian river but also makes it even funnier.

Fatboy Slim FT Riva Starr, Beardyman - Eat Sleep Rave Repeat (Calvin Harris Mix)

From the man who brought you such killer tracks like Rockerfella Skank, Weapon of Choice. Gangster Trippin' and Right Here Right Now, Fat Boy Slim is back!

With a sample of someone droning on about living to rave and back ground music so dull and unoriginal that it in a modern DJ set with as much impact as toy hammer hitting a battleship. The only thing this 'song' reminds me of is Baz Luhrman's Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) but with faster background beat that's less pleasing to the ears and words that are as inspiring as 2 Unlimited's 'There's No Limit'

If I may make a suggestion Mr Cook; whoever Riva Starr and Beardyman are, please stop inviting them round to your studio and keep your demo tapes far away from Calvin Harris.

If I may add, if I may add, if I may add, if I may add

Repetitive much?

Here we go. Real slim pickings for BEARABLE this week let me tell you. I guess the brilliance that was last week must be counteracted to achieve some semblance of balance.

Starting with the BAD  (lots of competition for these though strangely)

First up...

The Wanted - Show Me Love (America)

Oh this is pitiful

I mentioned earlier that there was another somewhat desperate display of wanting to send a message? I lied, this is not desperate. Imagine running for a train and everyone at the platform watching you miss it and not being able to stop your own momentum until all your clothes bursting off you when you finally stop and realise you are wearing nothing but a pink strap-on. That is how embarrassing this song is

'Oh love us America, we've written a song especially for you. No one cares about us anymore. You are our only hope to stay quasi-famous. Pleeeasseeee America! Show us the loooovvveee!!!!'

The song is crap too. As far as I can tell it's about a very possible break up and The Wanted feeling regret that they didn't show her America. It very much sounds like the song was written without the America reference first and then was haphazardly thrown it at the hilarious attempt of killing 2 birds with one very optimistic stone. What they have ended up with is 2 very much alive birds and the thrown stone boomeranged right up their nostril. 

One Direction – Story Of My Life

Well One Direction, here we are at last. I believe I have mentioned you ... a couple of times in my other reviews but we've never faced each other off. I will say this though; Best Song Ever was a somewhat overly ambitious title.

Now that's out of the way I can conduct an informative, critically fair and non biased review of your new song.

Well it sounds like they are channeling the sound of David Gray; which is, and let me be quite candid about this, bold as a brass statue's ball sack. They are seriously going down the 'Babylon' route with a song about a imaginary break up; that is not only as fake and emotionally void as a Barbie dressed up like Nikki Manaj but they are doing so with such pretence and ego they actually think they can get away with it? No, sorry guys. I was never a fan but I had to admit that as pop act you tick all the boxes. This however is beyond you. Never try to write seriously again, even pretend serious. You tell your songwriters that. They haven't got the ability, the instinct and intuition to create this kind of music and you guys certainly don't have the chops to be singing it. These kind of chops would eat you alive for breakfast and still have enough room for a wannabe emotionally deeper pop-tart. You cannot compare this:

Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

To this:

She told me in the morning she don't feel the same about us in her bones
It seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone

They keep this heartfelt, lovelorn, bunch of bullshit right up until the chorus; where they change tact to more familiar territory and go for the full, hands in the air, obnoxious shouting whilst pretending to sing. As they always do. Screw this overblown bunch of processed posers that are so manufactured they should be stamped with a expiry date and a barcode on their face.

First BEARABLE is (and I mean that quite literally in the first case)

Eminem FT Rihanna - The Monster

I can't help compare this song to the tour de force of personality and two artist at the very top of their game which is Love The Way You Lie. This however is incredibly dull. Shady not only sounds bored but also really whiney, not a good trait for him to have. His lyrical wordplay is much better suited to dissing than self pitying remenising. As I mentioned in my Berzerk review, it's possible he's running on empty.

Rihanna's hook in the chorus fares little better; the melody falls somewhere between 'that's lame' and 'where have I heard this tune before...?'

You probably haven't but it sounds so copy and paste that you'll think you have done. Maybe you have indeed, but I've not been able to ... oh hang on minute.... yep, call me crazy but I think it sounds like a very emotionally watered down, sped up tempo version of the chorus in 'Empire State Of Mind' Yeah, I know that's a stretch even for me

Franz Ferdinand - Evil Eye 

I've heard this track a few time on adverts and what not, never did I even think that this was Franz Ferdinand. The singer just doesn't sound right though in this track. When they came out with their first album every single track was unique, great to dance to and some truly creative guitar riffs.

The song is good though, it's catchy and will do very well at a Halloween party (which is obviously what they were going for, right down to the ever present Ghost Train riff and dark lyrics, not to mention insanely creepy video. I very much doubt however this song will still be danced to by people dressed in fake blood and binbags in 10 years time though. At least they'll still be able to stick Take Me Out for some crowd recognition

I really hope last week wasn't a fluke

I've got my prophet robe, crystal ball and everything. I should have the beard ready by 2019

If I'm going for a goatee

Later all, thanks for reading

1 comment:

  1. Disagree : Lavigne (It's classic whiney pop rock her) - The Wanted (I know I hate them but I kinda like this track?!?!) - Eminiem (I like him normally but this is just limp)
    As for the rest I'm with ya dude :)