Tuesday, 8 October 2013


I'm going to get this out of the way from the start

Miley 'The Movement' Cyrus - Wrecking Ball

Have you seen the video to this? Of course you have a) You have access to the internet because you're reading this internet blog b) You know at least one person who has said to you 'Have you seen the new Miley Cyrus video?' and curiosity would have gotten the better of you like a cat in a tumble dryer c) You'll have read about it in various news sources which no doubt provide a link to see the video itself and d) unless this blog is more wide spread than initially thought you are not a interplanetary being from dimension X.

I can't think of a single time when a music video has gone as viral as this. A music video that has provoked such outrage, such disgust, such bewilderment and such a large amount of jokes and parody videos which have also inevitably gone viral. Even if you haven't seen the proper video (edited or not), I'll bet you will have seen at least one designed purely to rip into Cyrus and her modest performance.

But I'm here today to not talk about the video, even though I'm putting a link but I do that with all of them so why should she be treated any differently (because let's face it, it's just what she wants us to do) Instead I'm going to talk about *shock* the song itself.

I'll say this; it's better than 'We Can't Stop' as in I can just about stand listening to it. The staccato verses are the best part about it but come across as both trite and emotionally confused within the context of the song. The chorus is a big pounding cacophony of turmoil and really letting rip with those power notes with everything sounding mismatched and as fake as the tear Cyrus has dropped on her cheek (sorry, no more video references) On first listen it does try to sound deep and emotional but only on first listen. After that you begin to hear just how inconsistent the overall theme is. And that the core object of symbolism really doesn't make much sense. She came in like a wrecking ball, never hit so hard in love, tried to break his emotional walls and ending up being wrecked herself. To me all this conjures up is a Loony Tunes image of a house being coated with ACME 'anti-demolitant paint' and the equipment being utilised to knock it down shattering like fine china on impact.

I think it's safe to say that Miss Cyrus may be getting a Cricketal overview in the near future.

James Blunt - Bonfire Night

Oh goody, he's back. Huzzah.

Forgive me for sounding less than enthusiastic about this but Mr Blunt has never been a musician that has elicited anything from me but vague indifference. Apart from Wise Men which till this day is arguably his best single release to date, the main reason because it involves him evoking an emotion other than unrequited puppy love-sick melancholy depression and if you even think of entering this argument brandishing a 'You're Beautiful' I'll will tear it's whiny minims off . This man has a falsetto so twee and reedy it could be used to make a wicker basket for The Sylvanian Families.

I find it at best hard at worst laughable to relate to Blunt because all he seems to write about is himself and all it ever comes across is about himself and how lonely his life is, how sad he is, how hard done by he is and how much love he has to give. He is the very epitome of first world problems.

So what of this new song; Bonfire Heart? Oh god... just hearing the title is enough for me to want to fabricate this metaphor by seeing just how flammable Blunt's organs actually are. Well, it's not as self pitying as 'Goodbye My Lover', nor is it as snarky as 'Wise Men'  but what we have is an uplifting sounding song about... him and how much love he has to give! Again!

This song tries to be uplifting but all he's doing is uplifting himself. By listening to this I am being a party for Blunt to get his rocks off by the public buying into his own self centred lamentation and Romeo complex.

So I'm going to be blunt and say that musically this fellow does nothing for me and whilst I'm being Blunt, I'm now going to overdose on Sudafed to see if I can get rid of that nasally cold I've had since two thousand and fricking four and while I'm at it I'm going to write a cool song about driving in a tank!

Justin Bieber - Heartbreaker

Bieber has copyright on this piece of unheard shit so no one can listen to his music without paying him money!

Forget that fact that he is probably the worst thing to happen to pop music since the invention of autotune and that his face looks so uncannily like the shape of your fist you have to fight the overwhelming urge to try it out for size, in the interest of science. Forget that Bieber spits at his fans, turns up late to his own concerts and then slags his fans off on twitter, give him more MONEY!

I'm guessing he's saving up for a personality transplant; a most dangerous procedure involving the shoving of several  metal spikes into many orifices so he can feel the pain he inflicts on others whenever we hear him sing, talk, breathe, exist and change his way of life accordingly. It may also have the favourable side effect of his balls finally dropping too. Or at least I hope he is.

We all get Bieber rage (I know I do) let me remedy that for you


Feel better? Good, I thought you might

And now my choice for the first BAD song of the week is:

The Feeling - Rescue

It pains me. it pains me because I like The Feeling. I've their 2 first albums on CD, I've seen them live and want to do so again. I would recommend their first album to anyone and I hand on my heart believe that 'Strange' is one of the most skilfully written songs about anti-bullying ever made. I loved the fact what they were doing was so different, it sounded so fresh yet so familiar. Even the inane song about setting your world on fire they released a year so ago wasn't that bad for a pop tune.
What the smegging hell happened?

The real question is; what the hell are they doing making this tosh when they are so much better than this? These are some of the most unimaginative lyrics I've heard all year. You know what a good friend of mine said about this song? That it could almost be Christian Rock. God I wish I thought of that first because they are spot on. You can actually imagine a congregation singing a slowed down version of this insipid melody and lacklustre chorus, replacing the word 'love' with 'God' or the word 'rescue' to  'Jesus'. Try it and see for yourself.

Saturdays - Disco Love

Ahh the Saturdays, the one band where every single hetro male who watches their videos does so on mute.

Is that fair though? Are they really that bad? Well the short answer is; no they're not. The longer more accurate answer however is; no they're not but they are mind numbingly unoriginal and have such a generic sound that it's hard to think of any of their songs that would be considered memorable. They don't seem to have any real personality beyond differentiating dress sense, hair styles, skin colours and cleavage or lack there of. There is no passion to their music, they know they are their to look pretty and that's it; the music is surplus to requirement. Actually The Saturdays don't make music, they don't make anything besides new fashion trends, so I'll amend that by saying their production team don't make music. They make muzak. Background noise for shopping. Nothing more.

This sums up Disco Love, it's just a boring pop song with tepid lyrics that try in vain to make cheesy disco references (including that great disco queen herself; Britney Spears... naturally) but not even make a song called Disco Love sound even remotely disco-esque is lazy beyond belief. It's like Ice Cube releasing a version of Take Me Home, Country Roads.
This is unforgivable and this is why it's one of my Bad tunes of the week

And now the first of my BEARABLE tunes of the week is:

Foxes - Youth

I've no idea who these are but I like the sound they are playing with....These? Sorry my mistake, Foxes is actually just one person, one girl.
You can understand my confusion can't you?

Has this happened before? Has a solo artist ever given themselves a plural stage name? Nope, The Streets doesn't count, Mike Skinner is the leader yes but he collaborates a lot and the name actually has a past members list.

I could go on about the silliness of this name but instead I'm going to start talking about the song.

Is it just me or does this song remind you slightly of Use Somebody, specifically a remix version of it? Even her style of singing is similar to Caleb Followill. Not as indecipherable granted but she seems to hang on notes the same way he does. The song is ok but it's a bit dreary and nowhere near as uplifting as she's trying to make it seem.

John Newman - Cheating

What a powerhouse this lad is. Number 1 with his first single and in a very good position to have his album hit the number 1 slot as well. With his left-field styling and voice strong enough to fly a kite with this guy has genuine talent. The fact he is making such a mark in the mainstream market is nothing short of outstanding.

While Cheating isn't as good as Love Me Again in terms of sheer dramatic presentation and vocal range it's still a good song that deserves recognition. I was a bit worried because at first it felt the intro is a bit too similar to his first and I thought maybe what were going to get is Love Me Again ver.1.1 but no it turns into a very different track. Much more dance orientated and upbeat, which is strange due to the subject matter but that's a quirkiness that works to it's advantage. There's a hint of the darkness at the beginning of the bridge and stays around long enough to make it's point and then moves on with but a lingering thought in your mind whilst your busy dancing like a madman.

Sorry if this week feels a bit lacking. Blame the man-flu.

If anything it has proved I am indeed a man for it hit me like a bitch

Later's alligators

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