Sunday, 20 October 2013

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 2 - Cable ties?

So everyone can breathe a sigh of relief; Ana managed to gather up her lolling tongue from the floor, get her overly flushed form into Kate's car and managed to drive back to Portland without veering off into a hay field after being dazzled from the memory of intensely glaring 'bright grey' eyes.

Kate is very happy with Ana's interview results (of course she is, she didn't have to do sweet F all; she was curled up in a fluffy pink onesie at the time and didn't so much as incur Mr Grey's death stare at the mention he may bat for the other team) Kate seems like the real winner in this story, mainly on the improbability that she merely finds Christian Gravy a 'good looking son of a bitch' and not the epitome of male beauty, sexuality and general wanton lust.

I do find it annoying that she says she's sorry that she didn't give her a biography to make her look like she at least knew the basics of the person she was interviewing and to be honest I can understand why Ana is a bit miffed: Kate love, a biography wasn't necessary, a fragging sheet of bullet points would have sufficed.
It wouldn't have been that taxing.

'Thanks for doing this Ana, oh by the way this guy Christian Grey is a twenty seven self made millionaire, no real social life or girlfriend so obviously he's a raging homo and so absurdly good looking you better pack your knickers with Tena Ladies just in case you cream yourself if he so much as breathes down wind of you.'

But in the end it matters not to Kate, she's busy transcribing the interview and pleased as punch to get her exclusive scoop and is there purely to keep reminding Ana that it sounded like Christian Grey was taken with her *shock*

Naturally Ana won't have any of this nonsense; 'Mr Grey taken with me? Oh surely not, he was far too abrupt, far too handsome and I was far too staring at him like a starved poodle on heat' So despite all the evidence of the last meeting and the fact that Dick-Hard Greyson was practically shagging her with his eyes, Steeley An' is adamant that it's all in her head. At this point in the story this girl couldn't read the signs if they were 20 foot tall, covered in fairy lights made by real fairies, holding lit torches in the formation of giant 69 and all of them singing 'Let's Get It On'.

Maybe he should have rodgered some resolution into her from the off after all, save us a few chapters of needless busy deliberation and metaphoric foreplay of will they,won't they (yes, of course they freaking will) at least. Then again at this particular stage, even after the diiiirty deed had have been done, Ana is such an insecure drip she'd have probably spent the entire, newly uncomfortable drive home pondering whether she lead him on or was it all because of something she was wearing.

Also in this chapter the Twilight fan fiction origin comes into full swing with the introduction of Jose...Pitch, I think I'll call him; Ana's best friend who is tall, dark, hot, muscular, likable and he wants her, but she sees him only as a brother and I'm surely not going to be only one to call bull shit on this am I?

"He's tall, and in his jeans an t-shirt, he's all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, dark hair and burning dark eyes" (you and me Miss James are going to have to have a word about your nonsensical contrasting light/fire metaphors. Any more and I will ignite your arse with my icy stare of exasperation)

"Yes, Jose' is pretty hot but I think he's finally getting the message that we're just friends"  (and that his sculptured, globed shoulders serve only for crying on in times of not getting any)

By her own inner voiced admission she says he's good looking and they get along really well but she's just never found anyone attractive enough to want to ride like a goddamn buckaroo until she hits a 6.9 on the Greyscale?

Say it with me... BULL SHIT!

This is a classic example of the author projecting their fantasies onto us. It's not enough they are so starved of excitement that they have to write about 2 guys fawning over their self based projection character but they have to do so with the perfect embodiments of male specimen since Rocky Horror and Hugh Jackman in Australia. But obviously you have to be PC about this so as much as you want to you can't bang them both, so what better than to be a giant cock tease to the one you're actually friends with? But even though he's just a friend you have to also make him, not just nice to you but ridiculously good looking too to make the fantasy complete.

 If you are going to create a self projected dream case scenario for yourself but want to be taken seriously as a writer; stop making the 'like a brother but wants more' character hot enough to give Arthur Brown pyrophobia. If the guy is that nice and that attractive then she would be with him. No ifs. No buts. No other fecking possibilities. Moving on.

Ana has a part time/full time job at a hardware store (kay...) the owner of the store's son has a massive thing for her (naturally) and Tristan Grim himself turns up out of the grey (oh sod off)

But hey that's rich people for you; with the right kind of money you can find out anything about a person you want to stalk (You best think of that too the next time you piss off a rich friend by not sleeping with them).

After Ana has composed herself to remind both Christian (and herself) of what her own name is, he eventually reveals the purpose of his stupidly long, drawn out and out of the way journey.

He's here to buy cable ties

Cable ties?

Cable ties

Cable... ties?

Yesssss ,cable tiesssss

(In my opinion, when the inevitable 50 Shades of Musical comes out they have to name one of the songs 'Cable Ties' *jazz hands*)

He must need them for .... tying something... possibly cables. Who knows? Ana sure as crap doesn't.

He also wants masking tape and five yards of natural filament rope. Now either he's a murderer covering his tracks, an rich S&M practitioner that has been, most likely driven 300 miles to the very shop she works in so he can sexually mess with her poor confuddled head by buying things he get a runner to fetch with his morning coffee and copy of Bound & Gagged, or he works for the US postal service. Given that she knows he's got a job that doesn't involve dealing with hyperactive dogs (apart from those 'gagging' for it poodles) then she makes the Holmes like deduction he must be none of the above and is doing some DIY instead.


He does however agree to a photo shoot to go with the interview (something that would have taken Kate 5 years to procure, if only she'd known the key to man's private life was in his trousers) and he also gets really abrupt again when Mr Son of the Boss get's familiar enough to hug Ana in front of his very presence 

'the hell does this guy think he is?!' most likely murder muses The Grey Man as he shakes this... Paul's hand.

But soon after Paul disappears, Grey becomes bright again, pays for his sex aids and jauntily throws the plastic bag over his shoulder as he exits the store after leaving Ana his personal business card.

The image and act of carrying that small plastic bag in that manner is so ridiculous not even Samuel L Jackson could make it look cool. Try it when you're next in Tescos and feel a wally too.

But at least, after all that, Anastasia has come to the startling, Earth shattering conclusion that there may be just the slightest possibility that indeed, yes.....

She does like him


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