Sunday, 27 October 2013

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 3 - Holy Crap!

We left Ana with the completely unexpected revelation that she may actually like Mr Grey in a purely non-platonic way. Despite that fact that he's been all she ever thinks and dreams about since they first met, but hey we can't be too on the nose about these things.

Kate is very pleased about the idea of a photo shoot with Mr Grey, she's actually more than pleased; she's ecstatic. I'm not exaggerating, it's the opening line of the chapter.

"Kate is ecstatic."


Also Kate tried to drill it in some more that Grey may actually like Ana too, based on descriptions of every single interaction she has had with the man. Ana shrugs off the idea that he may have come to the exact hardware store that she works in as just coincidence. Hmm... the same coincidence/plot contrivance that makes the photographer they choose for this honour being none other than Jose 'things would be much different if I was rich' Rodriguez: Ana's best friend and favourite cock to tease.

So Ms James, he just happens to be a photographer does he? Of course. There would be no reason for him to meet Mr Grey otherwise and they have to meet to start this whole love triangle properly (which is as much a triangle as a trapezium is an actual trapeze) They couldn't have possibly have met at the store that she works at because that's where he met the other 'no chance of even a Christmas Card' suitor, who at this moment hasn't even progressed to cliché geometric metaphors. So obviously James had to shoe-horn a way of getting Jose so hence he's a photographer. My mind is turning no-hands cartwheels at this unparalleled creativity. Jose, predictably (gasp) is a little uncertain:

"I do places, Ana. Not people"

Fear not Joe, the man is so egotistically vast that he probably needs planning permission whenever he goes to the barbers, I'm sure you'll be fine. You'll want to punch him but you'll be fine.

Ana takes out the Sacred Business Card of Grey and before Indiana Jones swoops in a claims such a priceless artefact should belong in a museum and calls the number. To which presumably this one use only card self destructs like a Mission:Impossible cassette tape.

Mr Greystoke: Lord of the Consensual Rapes agrees on tomorrow for the photoshoot so all in all the call goes better than expected, considering that Ana during the brief conversation, doesn't recognise her own voice and has to remind herself to breathe. She seems to be doing this a lot and it actually makes me wonder if Ana either has a problem with long-term memory or some undisclosed genetic defect which would require surgery to install an internal respirator. All she seems to do is flush, blush and forget that her lungs are not just a fashion accessory. Imagination and creativity James? Bah who needs it when you've got repetition and trite expressions on how much a person can 'take your breath away' At least you actually described Christiano Greynaldo as having smoky eyes instead of bright. Round of a freaking applause for that U-turn.

*clap clap*

So tomorrow swings by in the next paragraph, the photo-shoot is on and Richie Bitch turns up wearing a white shirt and grey (OF COURSE!) pants. To which Ana responds in her mind (I flipping hope so) with:

"Holy Crap!"

I knowww, the shock of horror of him wearing a different shade of clothing other than grey and said white shirt unbuttoned at the top must be too much for your poor, virginal mind to handle. Aww didums.

And now the drooling really can begin. She's so overwhelmed by his very boringly described appearance I'm surprised she doesn't faint on the spot in the hope of mouth to tongue resuscitation

Anyway to cut a long and boring story short. I'll break it down into 4 key parts (which was a task in itself in this snooze fest

  • The photo shoot goes fine, Grey is introduced to Black (sorry, Jose) and he seems cold towards him because he suspects they maybe an item. Ana and Jose that is
  • Grey invites Ana for coffee, which after some fiddling with transport arrangements she agrees to do (shock) even though she doesn't like coffee (double shock)
  • They go for coffee and talk about very little of interest, Grey comes across a quite cold and not very charming which gives Ana cause for concern (for about 2 mins)
  • Grey saves Ana from being hit by a Bradley Wiggins trainee, she ends up in Grey's arms and in her own mind projected words:

"For the first time in twenty one years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on mine"

So she's a virgin then?



1 comment:

  1. Oh well done Andy, again one great piece of commentary :)