Sunday, 17 November 2013

Fifty Shades of (D)read : Chapter 4 - Hmm... Tequila

One thing I will say about this book; the chapters follow on from each other almost immeditately. The last chapter

'Kiss me, damn it' she muses in her lust riddled mind.

Here is Desperate An, living up to her name sake and wanting Grey to pucker the hell up and get on with what the book is supposed to be about. I'm kind of in agreement at this point, all we need now is a singing lobster and Disney song just so we can get the soppy stuff over and move into the promised 'Bom Chikka OW OW' territory.

But no, his actual response is to tell Ana to steer clear of him and that he's not the man for her, despite the stalking, jealousy around other men and general creepiness that only a couple of million in the banks can disguise or justify. Saying it like that maybe he has a point too. If that were the case then this would be last chapter and seeing there's at least a Hobbit sized proportion of the book left I'm guessing he's going to change his mind, again, at some point. But not before Ana has another bout of respiratory arrest, just for a change.

I'm not saying that EL James is a hack writer with zero creativity and as limited linguistic flair as a See Spot Run book, but in the first page alone (not even a full page a might add) she uses the word breathe or a variation of it six times. Six times. I know, I counted and two of these occasions were Grey telling her to remember to breathe. Good thing too, seeing as ability to perform that basic bodily function seems only slightly less so than her ability to be remotely interesting.

Or does it? That's the strange thing about this chapter actually; I didn't mind reading it that much. For a start, Ana finally joins the vertebrates of the world and tells Christian where to go after being utterly humiliated (in her own mind, bless), and after he sends two very expensive first editions of that classic 'Tess of the Baskervilles: A Pure Woman Scarily Presented In Luminous Paint', which she has just been studying for her course, she decides to send them back with a note telling him to puck off, or words similar in sound. So the exams are over and she proceeds to do what most anyone does in the dire circumstances of unrequited boning; let their hair down, get blind drunk and dance the night away. But what should you never do after you've had a few too many tequilas? Check your phone without your mates around, for as well all know; drunken texts or calls are never a good thing.

You know, I don't actually mind that she calls Grey in her intoxicated state, it's a very real thing to do and from an outsider's perspective it's always an amusing thing to be told or read about. Grey is initially surprised by the call but then he is more concerned by the slurredness of Ana's speech, if she has a designated driver for the night and probably how she's managing to inhale and exhale without verbal reminders. In the end he is so concerned that he says he's coming over despite that fact that she's in Portland and she never said which bar she's in. Ana hangs up the phone and laughs it off; I mean by the time he gets here and scouts all the bars and clubs Portland has to offer she will long gone, she thinks. Oh ye of little implausible thinking.

After she hangs up and gets back to her companions Jacob, sorry I mean Jose Black, I mean Jose Luis Rodriguez begins to put the moves on Ana. He has faith that she likes him as much as he does you her. She notices something a miss when he wants to touch her body, because he knows not everybody has a body like hers. So just when it's likely that she's going to get kissed and at the same time she's on the verge of throwing up her last slammer and salt mix, who should save the day (night)? Is it a bird? is it a plane? is it the most ridiculous and contrived plot point in the book thus far? You betcha.

Man of Grey, desperately wants to be inside Steele, wastes no time in resolving the situation, after leaping cities with a single bound stopping Speedy Gonzales in his track and then helps Ana empty out the contents of her stomach. That may have been the tequila though.

"I glance up anxiously at Christian. He's glowering at Jose, and he's furious"
Thanks for clearing that up EL James, I could have easily mistaken Grey glowering happy thoughts at the dude. I'm mocking your writing James, and I'm being sarcastic.

Turns out that Grey was tracing Ana's phone and was staying in a local hotel with his brother in tow. He's set his brother on Kate so he can have some time with Ana alone without any interruptions or concerns for her welfare. I mean that literally, the book flat out admits that Grey's brother Elliot is given instruction by Christian to distract Kate by shagging her brains out. What a family. Ana also sees another side to Grey as he goes all Travolta on her and busts some moves on the dance floor. This hidden mojo and gigolo bro comes so out of the blue I was actually choking on my coke when I read this whole section. Not because it's wittily written, just because it's so freaking absurd. This one of the reasons why I actually enjoyed this chapter, it has traces of believability followed by some fruit bat cake nuttiness. Like if you take an episode of The Office and it's revealed that David Brent is a secret operative for MI5.

The chapter ends with Grey getting Ana back to his crib and her saying the word which Kate and Elliott are probably going to do when ever there's a free cubicle


You'll get your chance soon Ana, I have it on good authority he's not just interested in you for your lack of mind


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