Saturday, 9 November 2013


Due to me being out of town last weekend, X Factor avoided my written wrath. Good thing too, for even though my laptop was well out of my reach, my ears and eyes were not. Sunday's repeat was viewed by myself in quite a hung over state and it's fair to say it certainly did not lighten my mood. The audible memory of Nicholas McDonald hung, drawing and quartering Michael Jackson's 'Rock With You' will stick with me till my dying day, I have no doubt.

Cheers Nick.

Kingsland Road made their exit which was understandable considering all they did was a rehashed version of 'Blame It On The Boogie' by freaking Big Fun (remember them?) and their exit couldn't have been more timely considering that tonight is BIG BAND NIGHT (a genre which would have suited them as much Hannah Barrett singing Bee Gees)

Abi Alton - That's Life

Here we come to the first problem with big band music (especially crooner classics like this) They don't suit women's voices. This is very karaoke which I'm guessing will be a running theme till the end of the show. She doesn't so much not have the pipes or swagger for this song, as much as she has no feeling of the words or the attitude which is a staple requirement for this style. It fell so flat and predictably the big band overpowered her as easily as a bulldozer would an apple.

As for the judges; Gary Barlow has not got a clue. 'A musician amongst musicians?' What the hell does that have to do with anything. Her being able to play the piano and guitar isn't going magically improve her vocal range or power. Shcerzinger says for the first time she really sang? What the hells has she been doing the last few weeks. Spinning fecking circus plates. Nicole's judging repertoire is about as cliché full as an episode of 902010

Sam Bailey - New York New York

Sam Bailey seems like a lovely girl, but she's not going to win.

She has a good voice and she can belt out the notes ease, but she's not going to win. It's ludicrous to even think she will win. Yes she has a good voice, but everything she does sounds like nothing more than a competent caberet singer. With big lungs to blast out the Shirley Bassey requests for the elderly.

Gary Barlow says that her voiced is getting stronger and stronger but he seems to forget that last week's performance was vocally much more challenging than this one.

Louis Walsh says there's nothing she can't sing, I beg to differ. She would not be able sing Animal Nitrate by Suede, or Rapper's Delight (just on principle)

Nicholas McDonald - Dream A Little Dream Of Me

From going to the most misguidedly ambitious song last week to the safest song in big band theme you can get. He is so beyond this song vocally it almost feels like a cheat. He sung it nice but to sing this song nice is just not enough because it's already a nice song. What's impressive is that the way he is singing he's making sound much harder than the song actually is, he's doing the complete opposite of what really good singer should do.

To perform this song and put your own spin on it you need to do something else to make this song memorable, you have to go deeper into the song than just hitting the notes, because the notes are a stationary cow's behind with a shovel level of ease to hit. It needs perhaps a haunting, seductive quality, think Michael Crawford singing Music Of The Night.

Naturally the judges have nothing but praise, admiration and disturbing allure on the part of Sherzerphile. *shiver*

Luke Friend - Moondance

Either he has completely forgotten how to tune his phrases and make the notes sound clear, or this guy sucks much harder than I thought possible. He sounds drunk on his own ego, or high on his over use of hair product. I could be imagining things but was he really trying to rock up this song? That doesn't work at all. That works as about as well as trying to do a soul version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

He did a great job! says Louis. No he didn't, he really didn't. That wasn't a job, it was signing on the dole.

For once Gary agrees with me as well

Hannah Barrett - It's a Mans Mans World

So what song do we give the girl who has the vocal pitch of a man, an average range and no real power. How about a song by the late Godfather of soul who had arguably the most powerful voice of his generation and beyond. Make sense to me! What could possibly go wrong? *sarcasm mode off*

 Wrong song wrong song wrong song wrong song wrong song song wrong wrong wrong just plain wrong!

What I'm saying is the song choice was a bit on the poor side.

It almost sounds like she's putting no effort it at all and she just looks angry all the time. Like she's resenting the world to be a man's one. If this is one of her favourite songs, I shudder to think of what she would do to a song she doesn't like.

Louis Walsh; there is a huge HUGE difference between strongest voice in the competition and the deepest most masculine sounding voice.

Rough Copy - Hit The Road Jack

Ok, I wasn't going to address this but this is not a big band song. I don't care how many trumpets and trombones you throw into it, it will not make it a big band song. This goes for Baritone Barrett too.

This performance is terrible. If they had worked out harmonies before hand then they clearly forgot everything when they got on stage. Probably too excited at the prospect of twirling their prop canes and wearing dresses again.

I do find it funny that they have to wear skirts in a hilarious attempt to make them look like they have style.

They seemed so lost in the music and not in a good way. More in the way they couldn't figure out where they parked the music at the multi-story.

Tamera Foster - Cry Me A River

Is it possible for X Factor go an entire year without using this song in some shape or form? I'll admit that this is a good vocal and probably the best performance so far. She's going to be safe this week but the choice of such a safe song shows a real lack aspiration, even if it it was a good choice for her. Even if it was safe. I'm done contradicting myself now. I'll just say it was good but boring.

She was in the bottom last week due a to a very poor choice of song. She deserves better on voice alone. I do find her so mundane though, and perhaps a touch overly emotional.

Sam Callaghan - Ain't That A Kick In The Head

Very smart choice of song, keeping the orchestra to a minium most of the time. He does sound a bit rough at times but if I'm honest he's just getting the theme more than anyone else has so far. As long as you have the swagger you can get away with medicore singing. He was in tune most of the time and he looked to be having a really good time.

I think most of the judges miss the point of this; if the this week is purley Big Band then holding on to the notes isn't vital. Actually, that kind of singing ruins the essence of what big band is. Let's not forget that the majority of crooners performed when they were legless. Personality and charisma was paramount. I'll be honest, I thought he brought both

Whatever the case, someone has paid Barlow, Osborne and Sherzy off so they don't give any kind of negative criticism. It was a good effort? That's the kind of shit you say to your 5 year after tripping up and coming last in an egg and spoon race.

So there we go.

Who do I think will be in the bottom two? (like it makes a difference)

Hannah Barrett


Nicholas McDonald

Will I be right? Probably not

That was about as bad as was to be expected. I can see why they removed Big Band week for so long now; the people they pick just can't do it justice anymore. Maybe they never could. It's been so long I can't even remember. Do me a favour X Factor; please never do a Queen or David Bowie themed week, you hear me, right?



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