Sunday, 1 December 2013

50 Shades Of (D)read: Chapter 5 - 'You.Are.So.Sweet'

When we last left the story, Ana was by all intents and purposes, captive of number one fan Christian Grey after he stole her away from her house mate and friend (with unwelcome benefits) and brought her to his conveniently placed hotel for health and safety reasons. Now seeing as I'm reading 50 Shades of Grey and not a bizarre take on Stephen Kings Misery, it's fair to say that at some point there's going to be a some shagging down the line. Yes I knew what I was getting into before I signed on for this.

Both the lead characters are in the same place and are spending the night together it would seem that now would be a good a time as any you would think, but god darn it Miss EL James, you just love this verbal foreplay don't you? So no go on the low riding just yet. Sorry to spoil that for you but I know some of you will only start caring about this when we get to the tits and arse.    

The chapter begins with Ana waking up in a strange room, that she has no recollection of and slowly realises that she is in Christian Grey's hotel suite. No sign of him however. All she has for company is some Advil on the bedside table and a severe lack of clothing as she is clad in nothing but her underwear. She hears a knock on the door and as she describes it, her heart leaps into her mouth and she can't find her voice. Probably because her vocal cords are now being smothered by her left ventricle, It happens to me whenever ride Oblivion at Alton Towers. The cause of the knocking belongs to the all colourful, drunk-abducter himself; fresh from a gruelling workout of squat thrusts and serious posturing. Dressed in grey sweat pants, grey sweatshirt and as fine film of his own lascivious grey sweat ('Eau De Grey - Smells like money... and cock')  and she finds herself  gawking at Grey's, post-gym anatomy. A sight that makes her lose her breath again faster than you can say McDreamy.

After reminding Ana to breathe (again) Christian questions her on her general health and she notices, more than anything else, that his once bright grey eyes are now alluringly dark. This guys eyes change colour more often than Doctor Who.

Apart from the confusing 50 shades of Grey's ocular receptors, Ana realises that he is too good at hiding his feelings and just can't read him as well as she would like to. You know what else makes someone good at hiding their feelings? I don't know, maybe only knowing them for about three days, possibly.

He explains that she fell unconscious due to tequila poisoning, he undressed her and put her to bed. Before Will Smith can burst in and ask if they got 'Na Na Na Na NaNaa - Drunken Jiggy With It'  Grey assures her otherwise, in a most perplexing way.

'You were comatose, I don't do necrophilia.'

If these different states confuse him it's a good job he made his millions outside the medical profession.

Ana is at first little annoyed that he tracked her phone and stole her away from her friends but
Grey doesn't waste any time in reminding her that if he hadn't she could have well woken up with a deep sense of regret after a Whole Lotta Jose. He makes the point that she didn't seem keen on him 'pressing his suit' on her.

Pressing his suit? I resorted to Google for this one. It turns out to be a very old fashioned term for wooing. As if the term wooing wasn't old enough. I don't care how detached or delusional a person you may be; no one would say crap like that. Ana is in agreement with me and asks if the good sir grey is playing the white knight (she was never good with colours)

'Anastasia, I don't think so. Dark knight, maybe'

So strange and stiff a sentence I have seldom read. Seriously, it's not just the punctuation but the wording too is only slightly more instinctual than putting your fist in a food blender. Maybe if he didn't say her full name at the beginning it would flow a bit better but he just seems to be obsessed with saying her full name. Is this guy really this formal? Wonder how peeved he gets if his mates call him Chris? Actually he'd probably just fire them.

He then educates Ana on the dangers of drinking on an empty stomach, something we can at last all relate to. He explains all this running hands through his hair and apparently according to her own little head, this means he's getting exasperated. But then this is the same girl who less than four paragraphs ago admitted to not being able to read him at all. So what we have here is an unreliable narrator. He could have quite easily just been thinking about cheese.

But it turns out he was quite concerned about party Ana's antics. A little too concerned maybe.

'Well, if you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit for a week after the stunt you pulled'

He says with dread etched on his face. Yeah, I don't get that either

'I'd hate to think of what could have happened to you'

Oh how nice of .... wait a minute. She wouldn't be able to sit down for a week? That can only mean one thing, and sure as hell don't think it means he's going to hide all her chairs from her. She doesn't even question it though. Not even a little 'err...what do you mean by that?' Nope, she just scowls at him as if he's just said that you should never mix your drinks and never talk with your mouth full (perhaps that's a later chapter though) The only thing that she zeros in on and does the mental happy dance in bright red hula skirt at the thought of, is that of her being his. I didn't make that metaphor up either. It's in the book, from Ana's own subconscious. Not kidding. Wish to god I was.

Christian wanders off to prepare breakfast ie. order it, but not before she says she's going to have a  shower. A shower in a bathroom that she remarks is both hot and steamy, with the water; warm and soothing. Next she'll be remarking that the toilet is wet and flushy. Speaking of wet and flushy, Ana really likes this shower and REALLY likes the body wash that smells of Grey. She likes it so much she decides to clean herself thoroughly with it whilst exploring her finally revealed divine secrets of her ya-ya sisterhood.

'This feels so... so good'

And you've missed out on at least 6 years of that very feeling. Sucks to be you.  

Oh, just a quick reminder Ana, Breathe.

So after her brief, criminally overdue soiree with basic human instinct she gets changed into the new clothes that Grey has so kindly purchased for her, which all fit as perfect as Cinderella's glass freaking slipper. I'm guessing that Grey must have found a use for Ana's unconscious form other than violating it, he does seem the type to have a tape measure handy in the bedroom. Happy with her new duds she decides to venture forth and have a face to face with, as she puts it, Mr Confusing. For me however, the only really confusing thing is how could EL James write this next part and not realise how daft it sounds. 

"Christian is sitting at the dining table at the other side of the room reading a newspaper. It's the size of a tennis court"

I'm sorry, I don't care how different your reading habits are but if you end a sentence with an action and a object and then start the next line with a description, you automatically connect it to the last thing you read. So on this basis here's me cackling my arse off at the mental image of Christian Grey holding a 30ft broadsheet with Go-Go Gadget Arms. And now you're imagining a giant copy of the Times with a scarily long robotic appendages sticking out of it's columns. See how easy it is? This is what an editor is for. It makes me wonder if this book was edited at all, if it was it's was as easily distracted as a magpie looking at a disco ball.

Grey has ordered a wonderful spread for breakfast, in that he has chosen everything just on the off chance that there will be something on there she likes. Grey remarks that her hair is very damp. Either Grey is a little too observant or just a bit thick, Seeing as she's just come out of the shower she just told him she was getting. She was also masturbating.

Over breakfast it is revealed that Grey sent the expensive books as an apology for not kissing her after saving her from someone who mistook her flat personality for a cycle path. He doesn't do romance and yet he can't stay away from her.

"He can't stay away!" she suddenly realises

Yeah apparently the whole turning up to her work, giving her his private number and swooping in like some kind of Lycra clad rape alarm, when she's so drunk even the pink elephants are given her a wide birth, still wasn't enough for Ana to finally accept the bleeding obvious. To be fair it may not be too hard to swallow; I mean she's still got to figure out what her trachea is for after all.

Another hint that he can't stay away is the fact that after he finds out Ana has procured a place in Seattle which is not far from him, he flat out gives Ana a job without knowing anything about her credentials other than how much of an unobservant, ridiculously naïve air head she is. Geez, you've got a good one there, I hope that arse is worth it. Ana is finally getting it into her little brain that this guy has the hots for her and actually tries to move things along by just asking him to DO SOMETHING! (as am I by this point) 

'I'm not going to touch you, Anastasia - not until I have your written consent to do so'

In the immortal words of Han 'Yes, I damn well did shoot first' Solo:

'I have a bad feeling about this'

This bad feeling stems from the fact that I remember someone saying something about this so-called contract and how outrageously stupid the list of terms & conditions. Yes, worse than ITUNES. But that's a for another chapter. Yip de do.

One thing that I find out about this chapter is that Grey has some bloody strict table manners: As well as not approving of damp hair whilst dining he insists that Ana eat everything on the plate like some poor sods fussy mum. This guy is getting weirder and weirder. After what was threatening to be a chocolate fudge cake scene from Matilda, Ana does start eating and manages to show her compliance by finishing her plate, and that never fails to get brownie points from deranged, yuppie, control-freaks with mummy issues.     

'Good girl, I'll take you home when you've dried your hair. I don't want you to get ill'

Ana can't stop thinking about this (her brain must be in agony)
There is a some kind of unspoken promise to his words. What does he mean?

It's fairly self explanatory Ana; he wants you to dry your hair and after that he will take you home. Whatever 'unspoken promise' you can hear in these words must be reserved to the frequency that can only be heard by those with the intellect of a butter knife. So how is Grey going to take Ana home? Why by helicopter of course! He's got a pilot on freaking speed dial; anytime any place, ol' Charlie Tango will be there. And whenever you want to take the more personal route, Christian Grey will fly the helo himself. Fully qualified as a pilot at the same school that taught Tony Stark and Postman Pat. Christian Grey; the most implausible character in fiction since Zaphod Beeblebrox.       

 Knowing that she could be in for the ride of her life, Ana gets ready to leave for home but not before brushing her teeth. She decides to be really daring and use Grey's toothbrush in the vein hope that it would feel like him in her mouth. Alas it is simply wet, bristly with a not a vein in sight. Rookie mistake

They both leave and ride the lift together, where Grey, finally, jumps her. Quite literally too.

'Oh, screw the paper work' (or words to that affect) he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator.

"I've never been kissed like this" (or ever in fact)

"His erection is against my belly" (wrong hole, arse hole)

Oh my... he wants me, Christian Grey, Greek God  (Helicopter Pilot, Groomer of Women, Spanker of Butt-Cheeks, The Oncoming Porn, Raging Homophobic Entrepreneur Extraordinaire, Ruler of the Portland Kingdoms and Protector of Ana's Virgin Realm)

House Grey and their words: We Do Not Blow


Him saying that, doing what he's doing, in such a spasmodic manner is about as disturbing a thought as him getting confused with someone feinting and their soul being sucked out of their body. This guy is just horrible. I don't care if he looks like a cross between, Hugh Jackman, Henry Cavill, Johnny Depp and a Rampart Rabbit. This is such a work of fiction and fantasy I'm half expecting Gandalf to burst out of a Grey's arse, aiming his staff at Ana and screaming 'Fly you fool!!'

And that's it, the chapter pretty much ends there.

I had a lot of fun reading this chapter, in the same way that I had a lot fun watching After Earth. So bad it's beyond terrible and yet so amusing to read and wonder what illiterate planet the author was from and how much a vegetative state the editor was in when they read through this. Makes me wonder if Grey himself gave the diagnosis.

I hope this writing continues with the same level of care and skill for the rest of the book.
I may just survive this after all.

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