Sunday, 22 December 2013

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 6 - 'I don't make love, I Ffffornicate... hard'

I'm going to start off on a bit of a tangent here: What does a comma mean to you Ms James? To me and dare I say it a fair few others, a comma means a pause. A, pause.

This, is one thing I have noticed and become increasingly frustrated. About, this insipid book. More, than anything. So much so, it's not only affecting the way I'm reading the damn thing but also the way I'm, writing about it. Unbelievable, is E.L James' complete disdain for grammar. And, her total incapability of writing smooth exchanges of dialogue, or even a freaking sentence of more than three words to any form of competency. This is one of the many reasons why this book and the writer are just, a little bit,rubbish.

Here are just some examples for you:

'Me, too'

'Good. That's all, Andrea'

'Good evening, Miss Steele'

'Hello, Taylor'

'Yes, it's been a long day for me, too'

'Christian, it's wonderful'

Pretty much every single character in this book does this and it annoys me so much it causes my already fairly substantial dislike of a character and turns it up by freaking eleven. To me this is just bad acting, in written form. I mean if James' approach to this was to make their characters seem more stilted and wooden than an actor from Sunset Beach, trying to show any emotion other confusion and constipation, then bra freaking vo, you have damn well succeeded.

One thing I will give begrudging credit for this book, compared to many others, is that so far every chapter has started up exactly where the last one ended. I find this quite refreshing in respect much better stories sometimes taking multiple leaps in time within a small number of pages. So far however, 50 Shades wants to keep a steady track of what's going on and where, but then again hand holding through a plot as cliché and boring as this one does seem a bit extreme and unnecessary. Like no smoking sign with a picture of a coffin and a big 'you could be here' arrow pointing at the skeleton resting inside.

After the love'in an elevator incident, Grey's main concern is to get Ana home, using ways, means and ambiance designed to get her even more wet than the floppy trout she is already (what was I saying about tactics both extreme and unnecessary?) He does this by showing her his 'beast' of a car (self satisfied engorgement brought to you Audi) and playing her some opera. Which she immediately thinks is just wonderful. I have sneaking suspicion he could have played Napalm Death and it would have garnered the same response. It seems her entire lack personality is being replaced by one Grey has picked out for her, something apparently easier than changing a AAA battery in a TV remote. Grey proudly explains that he has eclectic taste, which is about as ground breaking a personality trait as saying 'I like my bread buttered', and proceeds to put on Kings Of Leon to prove it. Now which Kings of Leon song could he possibly play to showcase this? Charmer maybe? Holy Roller Novocaine? Spiral Staircase? Of course not, it's Sex on Fire. A song choice about as imaginative and obvious as an elf wearing green, having slightly pointy ears and is pretty nifty with a bow. Well done James, Grey's personality has now evolved to that of a  sheep. The music doesn't last long however when he is interrupted by a constant string of phone calls that he answers his best , mono symbolic, telephone voice. To which Ana listens to in rapturous wonder.

'Grey' he snaps, he's so brusque (dote)

'Grey' (swoon)

'Grey' (saturate)

Yes, you know you have definitely made it in the world when you can answer the phone with nothing more than your last name and the air of annoyance that someone is trying to contact you. Good thing he has one of those surnames that lends itself to that way of introduction more than others. For example if his name was Pratt, Lilicrapp or Vystrcilova.

Speaking of names, I do love this little exchange that Chris and Ana have in the car regarding his pedantic bellendness.

'Why do you insist on calling me Anastasia?' (good question)

'Because it's your name' (and because I like saying it)

'I prefer Ana' (good point)

'Do you now?' (tough shit)

He also adds that the lift thing was a mistake and won't be happening again soon. Which leaves Ana glum and alone with her thoughts (crickets and tumble weed ahoy)

"Why won't he kiss me again? (the prophet stared at his crystal ball) I pout at the thought. I don't understand. (there's no vision there at all) Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey."

My reaction to this... 'thing', was to gently rest the book on the table, inhale slowly and exhale for around 5 seconds, just before I let gravity get the better of me and made my head plummet into the open book with a loud whump. I stayed there for around 10 seconds. This was my respite.

His surname should be Cryptic, not Grey is the lamest thing I've read in the entire story, thus far. I hope it will not be for pure exasperated rage sakes. The scale of corniness and just sheer lack of effort in this stupid comparison is woeful. Hell, the writers of flaming Hollyoaks would laugh you out of the room if it was suggested.

Besides if his surname was Cryptic then he would undoubtedly be Batman's next nemesis.

When they arrive at Ana's they are greeted by a 'jus' been shagging' Kate and Elliott, Grey's foster brother and own personal weapon of mass procreation. They both seem in a happy mood and very loved up as much as anyone who just met and had sex with would (single eyebrow raised in your direction James) Christian leaves Ana a parting gift, literally he parts a some of her hair that got loose, which causes Kate to lose control after he looks at her, leaving James' in her wistful, somewhat obtuse element.

"My breath hitches at the contact and I lean my head into his fingers. His eyes soften, and he runs his thumb across my lower lip. My blood sears in my veins"(as opposed to your ear canals?)

Kate wants to hear all the gossip after the Brothers Grey leave on there merry way and is anxious to know if Ana is as big a whore as she is. When the answer turns out to be no, she doesn't seem surprised (no one is as big a whore as Kate after all) but vows to doll up Ana good and proper so that Grey has no option but to sex her up good and proper. That's what friends are for after all.

Christian comes to pick Ana up the next evening, with his driver and sets off to the to the heliport so he can show off just how well he can pilot his ginormous manhood, I mean big chopper, I mean metaphor for his well endowed masculinity, I mean dick. The flight goes by without a issue, just a lot of bravado talk and a woman author who clearly has no real clue about helicopter flight lingo or logistics other than what she scraped up from Wikipedia and watching Air America.
They land, disembark and Christian proceeds to lay his cards on the table to make it perfectly clear that the only person in control right now, is him.

"He doesn't take his eyes off me. I feel them following me as I turn and glance around this vast room. 'Room' is the wrong word. It's not a room - it's a mission statement"

Actually I think you'll find that room is indeed the right word. Regardless of size, a room is still a room. Mission statement is both incorrect in the context, whether metaphorical or literal. I think the word/words you are looking for is power-play, or mission objective, or I'm seriously over compensating for something in the trouser department. Stop trying to be clever James', it comes across as desperate, just like Ana.

At this point the book is incensing me so much my sinuses I've started to haemorrhage .

And it seems like it's only going to get worse before it gets better. Christian gives Ana a non disclosure agreement to read over and sign so that he may indulge in sexual relations with this man and she can't say anything to anyone. Does she read it? Nope, she just signs it, no questions asked. The excuse James gives Ana for doing this is that she would never tell anyone about what her and Christian get up to regardless so if it bothers him so much she'll just shut up and sign, like an obedient dog, who can hold a pen (they exist, check out Youtube. Srsly) Our protagonist ladies and gentlemen. Two short planks got nothing on this broad. Signed on the dotted line Ana asks the question she;s begging to ask since she laid eyes on his dark, light, ever indecisive, grey eyes.

'Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?'

'No, Anastasia, it doesn't. First, I don't make love. I f***k... hard (empowered women of the world unite)
'Secondly, there's a lot more paper work to do' (maybe all first dates like should come contractual clauses, oh wait, that won't work because of the book e most normal people will tell you to f***k off if the mere mention of legality and non disclosure is mentioned, no matter how hard you claim to f***k)

So after the paper week is signed, Christian decides to show her his play room. Ana, bless her little virgin socks, she thinks they are going to play Xbox. What he does show her is actually not revealed, first cliffhanger ending of a chapter so far, (well,as much a cliffhanger when you start pretending fall off the couch, until you realise you actually are falling so your arms are waving around like an air traffic controller on acid)

I guess this can only mean one thing; bring on the RED ROOM OF PAIN!!

(as if James' writing wasn't torturous enough)

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