Sunday, 26 January 2014

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 7 - Eat!

"The first thing that I noticed was the smell"

Right from the off this chapter is annoying me. She noticed a smell? Surely there must be some other way to word that than 'notice'. It just sounds wrong; you don't notice a smell, in the same way that I don't observe a sudden sound. Unless the stench in this place she's just walked into is so pungent you can actually see oxblood coloured vapours spewing forth from the upholstery. I know it's such a tiny, insignificant detail that shouldn't peeve me off as much as it does but little things like this are important. Someone once said it's the little things that make the big picture whole; well this is a little thing that's annoying the crap out of me and is making the big picture a hole in the arse variety. This could just be me being a complete grammar Nazi here. (Nazi in two ways; one, being extreme in my viewpoint to the point of fascism and also because despite what I think I know, I've been mislead all these years and am actually emphatically wrong) but the point is it just smells wrong. I mean, it sounds wrong

Now that I've got that out of my system, lets continue with the story. What's happening, if you haven't already guessed, is Ana has walked into the red room of pain and is mesmerised by Grey's fine collection of riding crops, chains, whips and tickle sticks. She is especially drawn to what I believe EL James is trying so hard to describe is an X shaped crucifix. 'Hmm how gloriously freaky but strangely enticing' she thinks. Instead of say, double timing it out there fast enough to leave an Ana shaped hole in the rich mahogany door, like everyone on the face of this planet would do if they had any freaking sense. For the record; the opening paragraph to this chapter is probably the worst piece of descriptive writing since Snoopy sat down at a typewriter and began his 'Dark Stormy Night' opus. I actually think it should be given to literature students as a 'How Not To Write' guide. It's that bad.

"It's very pleasant, and the lighting is soft, subtle. In fact, I can't see the source"

This is written in the style of someone talking to themselves and being surprised by their own lack of observation
"Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling, eight-foot square at least"  
I'm so glad you managed to include the dimensions of something you said was 'expansive' so I know for sure now that it is indeed, expansive

Brace yourself everyone and get ready for a spoiler; it turns out that Grey invited Ana into this charming room because he wants her to agree to take part in his extracurricular, you can get away with this too if your stinky rich and have 50 shades of Grey eyes, activities. This agreement will be done with cunning use of contracts. Basically he wants full control over everything in her life and in return she will get the pleasure of his company and handcuffs. I don't know about you but that's freaking win win there! Sign on up for sodomy, slavery, destruction of freewill, defamation of character and obstruction of basic human rights. It's a wonder why no other playboy, billionaire, bellends do this more often. Hell maybe they do, but they're probably smart enough to not use somebody with all the intellect of crushed grape.

There is a moment when Grey flat out admits that Ana is driving his resolve up the wall and chewing on the ceiling fan, but she calmly states the feeling is a very much mutual and it is her who wants him more. It describes her grumbling this soft retort so I imagine it being said quietly, almost to herself kind of way. It's due to this that makes Grey's next words utterly hilarious:


It's the exclamation mark that kills me, I actually imagine Grey just blurting it out like Father Jack or like some bizarre feeding based Tourettes sufferer. Ana doesn't find it quite as funny as I do though and declines his offer of lunch because she wants to enjoy her last moments of freedom before she signs the contract.

Is she going to? Of course she is. She would sign the thing with her own fallopian tubes if Grey demanded her to.

Which leads me nicely to the contract itself:

I'm paraphrasing but here's the gist and yes Grey actually split it up into these different sections (the obnoxious scrotum)

Obedience - Ana will obey Grey at all times and drop her soaking knicker knackers whenever Grey gets a hard on. This will become second nature in time.

Sleep - Grey wants her to sleep, seven hours at a time. Because you know, she's human

Food - Ana will EAT! but will not eat too much, get fat and thereby no longer spankable

Clothes - Ana can wear whatever Grey allows her to. She be given money to buy clothes but he will always get first dibs on choice of attire, accessories, jewelry and probably even tampon size

Exercise - Grey REALLY doesn't want any fat sub-missives so a personal trainer will be on hand to shake of any clinging love handles and change them into f**k grips.

Personal Hygine/Beauty - Brace yourself for a back, crack and vag all the way (hairy munters need not apply) Grey will chose the right gay infested salon of his choosing (can't be too careful with all these metrosexuals around, can we Grey?)

Personal Safety - Ana will not be allowed to drink, have fun or take risks unless it involves getting ram-rodded with a double ended dildo, probably.

Personal Qualities - Ana will wear a chastity belt to which only Grey holds the key*metaphorically*. He will not give Ana the key to his cock cage however, nor will he even wear one *metaphorically*. In fact, there's nothing to stipulate that he can't dip his wick,  put it around all over the place with the audacity of Casanova and the subtleness of Lord Flasheart, without so much as a slap on the sphincter.

Failure to comply with Grey in these demands will result in immediate hard shagging, with a pool cue.

Sounds fair to Ana, she's as willing to sign as member of TOWIE is a place in the next series of Celebrity Big Brother. Grey also has something he calls Hard Limits; which are a list of things that Ana must sign and swear never to take part in with him.

To me, it's just a list of common sense. Something distinctly lacking in this book so far so no wonder it has to be listed. I'll try to help Ana in case she gets confused.

Grey's Hard Limits

No acts involving fireplay  (No lighting each others farts)

No acts involving urination, defecation and the products thereof (No weeing or crapping the bed)

No acts involving needles, piercing or blood (No penetrative pain, apart from Ana's by Grey cock)

No acts involving gynaecological medical instruments (No playing doctor with out a licence)

No acts involving children or animals (No lawsuits)

No acts that involve permanent marks on the skin (No acid baths)

No acts involving breath control (No spelunking)

No acts involving direct electrical current to the body (No sticking dangly bits into the mains)

Ana's not fussed, he could whip out his dick and demand that she call it Caesar the Mighty before claiming everyone of her orifices as Roman Baths and she'd still shag him.

She does have one thing to say, bit of bombshell this one, she's a... VIRGIN!

Yeah yeah, we all knew that already but Christian (the master of reading people) didn't suss it at all.

He's not happy either about it, one little bit.

I knew he was gay

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