Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Dandy's Top 10 Worst Songs of 2013

Before I went on a pre-holiday, honestly nothing to with the fact that listening to every single mainstream release a week was driving me ever so slightly insane (in the membrane), hiatus from my usual weekly post; the format I was doing was 2 bad and 2 bearable of my choice. Which is why my first top ten I will be doing the worst songs first. Just to keep in line with my past theme here

So, Top 10 Worst of 2013. Good grief, where to start? Its not exactly slim pickings queueing up to be on this list. Pickings this large could qualify for their own postal code. That being the case choosing ten worst songs was as difficult as a walk in the park, whilst being carried in a litter, but choosing an actual order of the these was a bit more tricky.

Here we are then, I have my final list here and I'm going to play through all of them one more time and the one that I hear which makes me want to stick my head down my own toilet for a more enjoyable ambiance the least, gets the honour of being the top of the list. Let's do this.

Hmmm, wasn't expecting that...


There certainly are worse songs out there but Katy Perry is skating on very thin ice as far as I'm concerned (I have to admit, I still like I Kissed A Girl) Yes the song is catchy and I can see why people may like it as a big triumphant excuse to shout you're a champion to a fist pumping tune that a good friend pointed out will most likely be a main theme of the Rio de Janeiro World Cup (and you're likely to sing it in much better tune than Perry can manage herself too) What I do disagree with is when they say it's a song about empowering oneself. No, it's a song about empowering Katy Perry. Her and only her. She is the weak willed, feeble, struggling woman who had no voice and a 'yes man' personality before she released her inner Simba. No one else, just her. Just like Just William, William The Just, Just Jack, Just...in Timber...Lake?... I think I'm getting off track here but you see the picture, right? It's a big one surrounded by a well polished frame with the JUST HER dead centre in the canvas. You can't miss it. It's right next to the two tapestries that say PERRY CAN'T SING and UNCONDITIONALLY IS THE SAME SONG AS WRECKING BALL.

Use this song to boost yourself up if you want but make no mistake; the only person who is roaring is her. Roaring all the way to bank. At least in Firework she had that one inch of humility to actually give the illusion she's giving a message to the masses, of which I am no means a fan of that particular song either but it's a damn sight better than Roar. You hear that voice, hear that sound and if hearing her live, you certainly do wish it would shake the ground enough for it to split and have her plummet into the abyss, or at least yourself to save the embarrassment of hearing her replicating a cat orgy in a sausage maker. Episodes of The Office have been less cringe worthy than Perry trying to sing without a backing computer. She should have been patched years ago.


What? No Wrecking Ball? Surely you jest! Nope, not this time. Although Cyrus's Wrecking Ball is without question a bad song it seems to be only Miley herself who brings it down from a compositional, artistic and performance point of view ie, the whole damn thing. Sung by someone else, it's not that bad a song. The same however can't be said for We Can't Stop; the so-called party anthem that everyone seems to like which is purely and unequivocally about self destruction and addiction: Addiction to drugs, sex, alcohol, anarchy and generally being a bit a of a rich moron. A moron who has been trapped in the self entitled life for so long the *BLURRED LINEEEEESSSS* of reality are seemingly interweaving with this Grimm fairytale lifestyle she's uncovered and now there's nothing she can do but keep reading it until she either arrives at a Happily Ever After (poison apples not withstanding), or just put the book down and go shopping because the real world is harsh and cold and there's nothing left to eat in her mansion house but sackfuls of opium.

This song is really quite disturbing; you get the sense that she's pleading for it to stop but she can't find the will to do so because it might mean that she will expire from the public eye. That's really depressing. Her vocals even sound like she's gonna start crying at times. Will someone please save Miley from herself!

But now it's too late of course; the video of Wrecking Ball was released, she twerked with a man called Thicke by rubbing onto his... pelvis, and she has become a joke. The downward spiral from teen country star to media attention whore bag is now complete (Trent Reznor couldn't have composed it better himself)  The fact is, if she didn't want to be taken seriously about being an actual singer and merely wanted more fame due to her own narcissistic desire for notoriety and gain as many spite points as it takes to unlock the fabled 'Everyone Hates Me But They Still Know Who I Am' trophy, then she has succeeded. If she wasn't going for that however, then like her latest video, it's all gone tits up, literally. If she had any.


The first verse sounds like a John Newman song, the high pitched whine that has aspirations of being a falsetto sounds like Prince with man-flu and the chorus sounds like Aviici crossed with MGMT with a dance RnB vibe. Compared to Union J's other stuff it's as out of place and absurd as Take That doing a cover of Kool & The Gang's 'Jungle Boogie'. It just feels like such a mis-match in style over substance and ends up coming across as misguided as a guy in a double-breasted jacket wearing MC Hammer trousers.

Not only that but everything has a (Jason) distinctly (Jason Derulo) feel to it; overly produced, annoying musical riffs and high pitched, obnoxious vocals. You could be forgiven to thinking that it was actually a Derulo song being covered by Union J and forgiven you would most certainly be for it IS a Derulo song. He wrote it for the band. Oh goodie. No wonder I don't like it.


I think they got this the wrong way round: Trouble should have been the name of this pitifully put together from girls they found shopping in New Look trying to be edgy, auto-tuned to the point of a dalek, speak-sing-rap group. Reason? They highlight the Trouble with mainstream music these days. If you just consider something; Lorde is the same age as these girls, possibly younger. There lies the difference between having talent and merely having a look. Having a look is all well and good but don't try to make into something it is emphatically not. You girls have a look? Fine, be catalogue models by all means. Do not however, poison the airwaves with this manufactured, auditory pollution that reeks of the desperation record companies emit when they're trying to make a quick buck and will drop you quicker than a bruised apple with a spider nestled inside it once they have bitten off more than they can chew. Awful song, awful production, awful vocal software, awful reason for it's very existence.


Who likes this song? I'm not saying your wrong if you do like it, everyone is entitled to their opinion but to those that do like it, have you actually heard what this song is saying? I know it goes very fast quite a lot of the time but bear with me here, I'll make it easier for you.

Hop out your past life
And I'll renovate your future
Then I integrate my genius shit

I know we shouldn't take all lyrics at face value but anyone who declares their musical prowess as genius in their own song better have some serious skills to follow that up or a seriously good sense of self awareness and self deprecating humour. She doesn't strike me as the type for either.

Have you ever wished your life would change?
Woke up and you lived your dreams
Baby I could help you make that change
I can show ya, show ya (show ya, show ya...)

This is a lie. It may have worked for her (amongst other factors) but for her to claim that this can happen to you or that she can MAKE it happen for others is just ludicrous. Either that or she's talking to herself about herself, and in that case she should be sectioned. That is what this song is; just one big, egotistical head trip. Musicians, rappers, singers, celebrities are on a different plane than us (in this song quite literally) but it's when they do something we can relate to that we enjoy it the most. Stop lying to us, stop trying to pretend your singing about us when it's about yourself (looking right at you Perry) and stop treating us like damn fools. I'm not saying there is no undiscovered talent out there, I'm just saying that it's unlikely Iggy Koopa will change anyone's life with her intervention.
In short I can't relate to this song. I can't empathise with it, I can't dance to it without looking like I'm startled deer having a seizure and I certainly don't enjoy listening it. It honestly couldn't alienate me more if it stuck green antenna to my head and 'Welcomed me To Earth' by punching me in the nose.


Wanna here the most annoying sound in the world?

Le La-La Le Le Le Le La La La La-La. Le La-La Le Le Le Le La La La La-La.

Number 1. That's where this got in UK Top 40, Cheers everyone.

Le La-La Le Le Le Le La La La La-La. Le La-La Le Le Le Le La La La La-La.

Had enough?

Le La-La Le Le Le Le La La La La-La. Le La-La Le Le Le Le La La La La-La.


Ladies and gentleman, we give you 2013's answer to Crystal Waters Gypsy Woman! (because the one thing everyone needed was a reminder of that uncompromisingly tedious little ditty, let alone a freaking counterpart) I'll give the song some credit in that the lyrics are deep and cleverly ambiguous enough to convey a whole host of meanings; as far reaching things like verbal abuse, hate fuelled preaching or for me; whenever Geordie Shore comes on TV. It's not a bad metaphor at all, however the problem lies with it's very nature: Whatever is going around you is still happening whether you choose to listen or not, be it verbal abuse, hate fuelled preaching or Geordie Shore. Covering your ears like a child is not a viable solution to a problem, therefore the song is purely about hiding, which doesn't strike me as a particularly good message, unless you're Julian Asange or a Gorgonite. Also with the way it's been produced, it's 20x more irritating than the song thinks it is too. That kind of blind smugness gets my goat and cattle prods it up it's arse when I'm standing less than a metre away. That's just rude. Ironically I would deal with this song using the exact same advice it's giving out. But like I said, doing that doesn't resolve anything. Unless it's Geordie Shore, then it works every time.


Between you and me, I get more than a tiny temper when I hear this. For someone who models themselves as a lyrical gangsta he sure as hell could use freaking thesaurus when it comes to his hook. While he's at it he should probably invest in some elocution lessons too; that way when I hear the 'shakey' chorus I won't keep hearing another word that starts with S and sounds like cheques, drilling through my head. I looked up the lyrics just to be certain what the word is and it wasn't what I thought, but I sure as heck can't be the only person who hears it thus. It really does sound like the kind of advertisement Luke Wilson would hear as he walks through the future world of Idiocracy.

Then we come to instrumental riff (for want of any better term) which sounds like the kind of fidgety mouth noises someone with ADD would make with whilst waiting for the microwave to ping. This symphony of annoyance even makes me think that Will.I.Am had a hand in it. To be fair he did redeem himself somewhat with Bang Bang; VERY long way to go however. He can't shake off Scream & Shout and Boom Boom Pow that easily. Oh and a quick word regarding Mr Chainz's contribution to this awful song:

 He blows, moving on.


Remember the good ol' days (bitch), when nubile pop princesses and their troupes used to actually sing on songs? I mean, actual singing in a song with no hitting notes via ver 1.2 of Grow Your Octaves. I understand it's part and parcel of growing up; time has moved on, the ex Disney Princesses have shed their innocent allure, their voices now defunct and thick with pregnancy, leaving them fully flowered into full on diva-drama Queens (or drag queens depending on how much of a wardrobe malfunction they find themselves in) Queens who feel, rather like our own royal family (bitch), they can impress by simply turning up, speaking in a faux RP and looking serious. Which is exactly what Ms Spears has done with this song. Except with hot pants. I exert more time and effort taking a dump than she has with this entire production. Irony hits us once again; she telling us that we need to work (bitch) but she's phoned in her vocals from her Malibu Beach house and they've been processed in Silicon Valley. Hardly a champion for hard grind now she, wouldn't you say? (bitch) Jesse Pinkman, eat your heart out.


I'm getting rather sick of Derulo. I made a joke once and compared his name to a selection of Silentnight luxury linen but appears that I am well in the minority when it comes to this bedder of bedders. What does this guy do right? His vocal stylising mashes the whiney range of Sean Paul after getting kicked in the nads and the verbal inflections of Elmer Fudd and yet people still buy his songs about how great he is. You realise you're been duped, right? The worst part by far to this awful song is the instrumental hook, where upon a collection of software enhanced brass let out a trill of notes only slightly less jarring than a having a pineapple thrown at your face. To say me and Derulo have gotten off on the wrong foot is a bit of an understatement. Actually it's more like he keeps stepping on my foot in a very painful way and doesn't acknowledge my growing anger of the situation because his mind is too preoccupied with cleavage and trumpets. I'll just say don't expect a Strictly Come Dancing with Dandy and Derulo anytime soon.

2 Chainz or not 2 Chainz? It's not even a question really. This guy needs to go away. I'm beginning to think that the only reason he's still around is because he's eight foot six and the record companies are merely distracting him because they've become chillingly aware he's running out of ground bones to make his bread. He's got presence, granted but so does an Oak Tree. They can be used for construction but don't generally make the best rappers.



I want to talk about waterboarding. Waterboarding is a method of torture in which a cloth covers the victim's head and large amounts of water is poured over it. This immobilises the ability to breathe and creates the sensation of drowning; except much, much worse. I am reminded of this act whenever I listen to Earthquake. Actually if I'm going to be accurate, it's more being waterboarded by a group of alternative watersport enthusiasts.

Lets start with the fact this song rhymes Ass-Shake with Earthquake. This kind of thing is never going to get me in the best of moods. On the contrary, it's a major contributor to me reacting like you've just urinated on my cat. The overall sound of the song is just that; sound and noise. Not really music. Sound and noise that would be serve better purpose coming out of a device to keep sharks at bay.  

Chillingly enough this song also has pretty much the same instrumental hook as Talk Dirty. Only this time the jarring factor is increased, so essentially your own head becomes a pineapple and you're been thrown at the man from Del Monte. I can't emphasis just how much I dislike this song, but this way I can sum it up is


Now let's address the Elephant in the room. You know, the thing with the big butt dressed in grey?
No, not Kim Kardashian but you're closer than you think:

It may be a cop out of sorts but to be honest it felt very fitting marking this down with a big fat zero. We've had worst song of the year, consider this worst song of the decade. Possibly more. Well done Kanye, North by North West will be so proud
This is probably, and I kid you not, one of the worst produced songs I have ever heard.
To my knowledge it is the only song that has given me a jump scare when listening to it. Despite me being the reasonably adjusted individual who I am, one of my faults (among many, Ill admit eg time keeping) is that I'm very jumpy. A dogs bark when I'm passing a concealed garden is enough to startle me, which is probably why I don't like jump scares because not only do I think they're a cheap horror gimmick, I also get embarrassed at the cinema when I realise, looking down at the audience,  that I was the only person that jumped out of their seat so hard that I'm now hanging from the rafters like some craven Batman.
As far as I'm aware, this comes as no surprise because I don't think anyone liked this song. I just hope it doesn't go down in history as one of those so bad it's good (like Rick Astley) or so bad it's funny (like Gangnam Style) This however is so bad it's just that. BAD. So bad...
That's a wrap folks, thanks for reading and remember these sweet words of wisdom
'I know you're tired of loving, of loving
With nobody to love, nobody, nobod.. - Uh-huh, honey
You know, I might just use that for my alarm setting. Sleep ins will be a thing of the freaking past

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